Will of the Rurouni
by Hitokiri Gentatsu
Summary: {Final Chapt!}Kenshin spends the winter near a village that holds a deadly secret. Will he be able to hold to his vow or will he be forced to become the hitokiri again?
1. Default Chapter

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note: The continuation of my wandering years series 'Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto'. Kenshin struggles to tame the hitokiri within before he can be released again. His will to live his life as a rurouni is tested as he spends the winter near a small village that holds a deadly secret of its own. Can Kenshin remain true to his non-killing vow or will he be forced to become the hitokiri again to survive this deadly encounter?

Prologue: Meiji 2. November 12, 1869

"A man who cannot hold to his beliefs is never more than pathetic, dead or alive."

Saito Hajime

Episode 49

(subtitled)

"There's a small farm about a mile up this path," the elderly gentleman's voice said quietly. "They are usually willing to trade food for work."

"Arigato, Mazumoto-dono." The red-haired youth bowed respectfully to the older man and turned away, walking toward the path the older man indicated.

"No, it is I who should be thanking you, Himura-san. If you had come by when you did...If you had not heard our screams and stepped in to stop those thugs in town my granddaughter and I would be dead right now. I was a samurai but..."

The young man paused and turned his head slightly, so that he could fix the older one with one sad, violet eye and thought: 'If he only knew...would he be so thankful to me then?'

"It was nothing that another could not have done in my place." He turned to face Mazumoto again, a serious look on his face. "I must ask you to forget that you saw me. There are people who are searching for me and I do not wish to be found. If they learned that you knew where I was, both you and your family would be in danger and I cannot allow that. Do you understand?"

Mazumoto looked at the young man before him, taking in the red hair and the cross scar on the man's left cheek and nodded. He also noticed how the boy's eyes held more sorrow and loneliness than anyone his age should have in their hearts. A sorrow he well understood.

"I again must thank you for you kindness," Kenshin said as he turned away again. "I wish peace and happiness to you and your family."

Mazumoto watched Kenshin take to the path he had pointed out and smiled.

"Good fortune to you, Himura-san," he called after Kenshin, watching the young man's retreating back. "I hope you find what you are searching for somewhere on this road and that peace might come to your troubled heart," he whispered after the former hitokiri.

Mazumoto turned away and began walking down the path that would take him home, deep in thoughts of his own past.

"I have been where you are now, Himura-san. It is a hard road you have chosen to travel. I understand that too well. You will find peace only when you can come to terms with who you are and what you have done. If you do not then..."

Mazumoto continued home and he never saw the former Hitokiri Battousai again but he would always remember the chance encounter.

*

Kenshin sat before a fire in the forest very near the farm that Mazumoto had mentioned to him. Kenshin knew he could have easily made it there in a few hours but he had opted to remain one more night under the stars before he settled somewhere for the winter. He looked up at the stars and sighed. For almost an entire year he had been a rurouni, wandering wherever his spirit lead him. In that time he had saved many people's lives and had protected them from evil men who sought to take advantage of them but in his heart he felt no change. The hitokiri still raged within his heart and his soul was still tormented by his past deeds. Worse still was the fact that his past always managed to catch up with him. It made no difference that he was now several weeks journey from Kyoto and his past life. It didn't seem to matter that the sword he carried was no longer a hitokiri's sword. It was just as he feared it would be: People knew who he was or at the very least suspected. He was not accepted anywhere for long because of his past and in his heart he knew he would never be given the chance to find peace or to prove there was more to him then the dark legacy of the Hitokiri Battousai. There was too much blood on his hands. Peace was not something that he could ever hope for or even deserved. The best he could do was to try and atone for those lives. But he felt in his heart that his life meant nothing, that it didn't matter if he lived or died.

Up until six months ago he had tried to hide his identity from others because he believed that he could earn acceptance on his own merit without bringing his past into it but now he knew that was a foolish notion so he had stopped trying to hide his scar. It didn't matter anymore because people eventually found out who he was anyway no matter what he did to hide his past from them. Then he would be told or forced to leave or more often he would leave on his own before he was asked to. He well understood why people would ask him to leave, he didn't like it and the hitokiri within himself liked it even less but he would not endanger the lives of anyone who had helped him, even if that meant he had to sleep in the rain or snow.

Life on the road was difficult and only grew more so as the months passed. More often than not he found himself sleeping under the stars but at least he could now follow his master's teachings the way they were meant to be followed and maybe someday he would be able to atone for his crimes.

"If there can be such a thing as atonement for one such as me...I did what I did because I thought I was doing it to create a new and better world but all the time it felt wrong. All that time I was nothing more than a murderer, a creature of shadow spreading fear and now I am paying the price for those years of bloodshed. I am as alone as the widows and orphans I created with my sword."

He stared into the fire and thought of everything he had seen and done in the past months and the lessons he had learned in that time. Most of those months had been spent in traveling from place to place, helping the people who he encountered. Occasionally he had taken on jobs in order to feed himself. Most of those had dealt with chores of a domestic nature rather than anything to do with war but he had also taken on a few bodyguard assignments, none of which had turned out well for him when the men he guarded found out who he was. The last one about a month ago had been the worst of the lot.

He grimaced at the memory of that last bodyguard assignment. From the moment he had accepted the position, it hadn't felt right even though the man who had hired was well thought of be the people around him. Kurayami Hisoka had been a member of the Bakufu and was now and official in the Meiji government. Kenshin had signed on as an elite bodyguard, not noticing at the time that the people who hired him had been overly interested in his skills. After only a few days in the man's service, Kenshin discovered that the man was not what he seemed to be to those outside.

The man was as corrupt as they came, having taking his post by killing all those who stood in his way. The job Kenshin had been hired for was not that of a bodyguard. Instead Kurayami wanted him as a member of his assassination ring. He was hoping to gather together the strongest hitokiri of the Bakumatsu who had nowhere else to go and nothing to do with their skills now that most of the fighting was over. Most of the men in his elite guard were hitokiri who took cruel, even sadistic pleasure in killing. They were twisted and evil men and Kenshin could not bare the sight of them or smell of blood that hovered around them. His soul was neither cruel nor twisted and he had never enjoyed killing even at the height of his hitokiri days. Kenshin had left after knocking them all out and leaving a note to the police about them before leaving that town behind him.

Corruption was nothing new to him. He knew there were evil men in the world that would stop at nothing to gain power over others. Every government, no matter how pure its intentions were, had its share of corruption and he had never believed that the newly formed Meiji government would escape unscathed. What had truly bothered him about Kurayami was not his corrupt nature nor the evil men gathered about him but the feelings that such things evoked in him. He had been careful to only knock Kurayami and his followers out but the hitokiri within him had seen the evil of those men and had wanted to kill them. He had felt again the black tide of the hitokiri's rage within him but the rurouni within his heart had won out but only by the narrowest of margins.

He had left that town as quickly as he could and since then he had not taken another bodyguard assignment no matter how hungry he was. He was afraid that the next time he would not be able to hold the hitokiri back from a kill. It had been a year since he had left the hitokiri's blade on his last battlefield but Kenshin was still struggling with the legacy of that blade. The hitokiri still raged within his heart. Hitokiri Battousai was not dead and what's more he wanted to see blood arc through the air again. He wanted to feel the power that the fear of others evoked in him when he saw it on their faces moments before his sword put an end to their lives. The hitokiri's voice called to him, whispering in the back of his mind whenever he drew his sakabatou to do battle. The hitokiri reminded him nightly of who he truly was and of what he used to do. There had been times in the past several months when he had been hard pressed to control that part of himself. In those times he had had to repeat his oath to himself.

"After the battle has been won...I will never kill again...never again."

He had made this oath to Tomoe and to himself. It was the one thing of his past he wished to hold onto and it was this oath that was the basis for his life in the Meiji era. It was for this purpose that he had sealed away the sword that kills and had left behind his old life and name in Kyoto, which he would never return to. But still, even after a year of trying, he had not managed to seal away that part of himself that had been born in the chaos of Kyoto during the Bakumatsu. That part of himself called the Hitokiri Battousai was still with him and would be with him for as long as he lived. It was not something that could be easily discarded like his sword and name had been. This was a part of his very soul and one could not just throw a part of themselves away like a damaged sword or worn piece of clothing.

And yet...

There had to be a way to control the killer within himself. There had to be a way to temper the hitokiri's rage before it was released again into the new world of peace. If that should ever happen then all he was trying to do would be for nothing and his oath would become meaningless. He could not allow that oath to become meaningless. It was too important.

"I will not allow it to happen," he though fiercely. "I will find a way to control that part of myself. I must do so." 

He continued to stare into the flames wondering where this path would lead him and whether he would find a small measure of peace in this place.

"Please just give me the chance to rest for a little while. Only that..."

He needed the rest. He was tired and completely worn out. He wrapped himself in some blankets and leaned against a tree, his sakabatou resting on his shoulder. Closing his eyes, he fell into a troubled sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Disclaimer/Author's Note: Here is the first chapter at last. Hope you enjoy it. I don't own RK even though I wish I did. 

Chapter One: Hirayoshi Farm

"I threw away my old name in Kyoto long ago…"

Himura Kenshin

RK Episode 15

He awoke to the sound of birds calling to one another. His head jerked up and his hand went to the hilt of the sword resting against his shoulder. His body was tense and his breathing rapid as he looked around for the source of the clanging of swords he had heard in his half wakened state. He closed his eyes and took deep, even breaths to try and calm himself.

"It was just a dream. Just another nightmare." Kenshin took several more deep breaths, trying to steady his racing heart and trying to get the vision out of his mind.

---He had been back in Kyoto, whose streets ran red with the blood of those he had killed. It was a night with a full moon that seemed to be permanently stained crimson and Shinsengumi surrounded him. They were all bent on taking his life or at least they wanted to wound him so badly that they could capture him. They had no chance against him really but they foolishly tried anyway even after he warned them off. He could still see their surprised faces as they were slain and he could still feel the sorrow in his heart as he watched them fall. He turned away and walked down the alley careful not to walk in the blood that covered the ground. He tried to never allow the blood of those he had killed to touch him physically although he could feel it staining his soul with each kill.

"I hope you find happiness in the next life," he had whispered to them as he passed through the alley strewn with bodies, his head bent and his heart full of the sorrow and pain that came to him each time he was forced to kill.---

Kenshin blinked his eyes several times, the dream slowly fading to the back of his mind as he prepared to move on. He made sure the fire was completely out and covered the evidence of it and of his stay there. He wanted leave no sign of his passing for anyone to find. He knew there were people searching for him, people from the newly created Meiji government. He wasn't sure why they were searching for him but he knew one thing: he did not want to be found by anyone. Not by Master Hiko, who had made it clear that if he left he better not dare come back, nor by his foes who were seeking his death and not even by the Meiji government he had helped create. He wanted no part in the skirmishes that were still going on nor did he feel that he should have a position in the new government for having committed countless murders as a hitokiri. 

That was why he had settled on this remote area as a place to spend the winter. It was far from any of the main arenas of fighting. No one here will have heard of him and, once the snows came to the mountains around this valley, it would be completely cut off from the outside world. No one would find him here and they would be foolish to try.

"No one knows where I went and no one knows that I am here except Mazumoto. I should be safe for a time if I can just be careful not to give myself away. Nobody here knows who I am and there is a chance that they will not have heard of the Hitokiri Battousai."

"How long can you remain safe though? They will find out who you are and then we will have to leave again." The hitokiri's cold voice whispered in his mind sending a cold shiver down Kenshin's spine.

Kenshin ignored the voice and brushed the dirt from his worn and faded gi and hakama. He tried to push the voice away and to ignore the truth the hitokiri within him was speaking.

"You know I am speaking the truth and yet you still persist in this notion of a hitokiri who does not kill."

"I am a rurouni, not a hitokiri. Hitokiri Battousai 'died' at Tobu Fushimi. I have made a vow and I intend to keep it,' he thought firmly at the voice as he walked.

"You forget that I am a part of you. I know we wanted to kill those men a month past."

Kenshin could not deny that those words were true. For a moment even he had wanted to see their blood fall but he had stopped himself and the hitokiri from slaying them.

"I didn't though and that is the difference between us. I have sworn a vow to never kill again and I have taken up this sword. I will hold to my vow." He tried to push the voice away again.

"No matter what you do there will be people who cannot forgive you. And I will always be here. You can try to hide me behind the façade of a rurouni but the reality is that you are a hitokiri in your heart. Nothing can alter this one fact. In the end people will know who you are. You will not be able to keep me locked away forever," the voice whispered as it began to fade away again.

"I mean to try though. I will find a way to control you instead of you controlling me."

Kenshin shook his head to clear it and concentrated instead on the road before him, which was more like an animal trail than an actual road. The farther along the path he moved the thinner the trees became until he reached the end of the forest. He stopped at the edge and took in the image before him with wide eyes.

All around him tall mountains stood as of guarding the valley below them. The valley itself was shrouded by a blanket of fog so thick that he could not make out anything except vague images. There appeared to be a small village near where he was standing. He could smell the smoke from several fires and hear people calling to one another.

"The farm will be just outside the village, Mazumoto said." Kenshin began to look for a pass that would take him to the village and the farm beyond it. "Let's hope he was right about their needing some help. I have nowhere else to go this late in the year."

*

Night had fallen and Kenshin sat on the porch of the Hirayoshi house and watched the stars come out. He didn't take his eyes off them even when he heard the two youngest Hirayoshi children calling for him. He smiled slightly when he heard their high-pitched voices and again wondered why children insisted on becoming his friends. Everywhere he went and every place he stayed the children would always follow him. It had been no different when he arrived here that morning.

*

He had arrived at the farm just as the morning sun had driven away the fog. He looked around, reminded suddenly of his own parent's farm when he was a child. He had brief flash of memory from his childhood before it was gone again. Then he found himself thinking of the 'farm' he had 'owned' in Otsu but he clamped down on that memory. Looking around he found the place to be a prosperous indigo farm and he was looking for someone to lead him to the master of the farm when there was a tug on his sleeve. He looked down to find a dark-haired, dark-eyed girl of about five staring up at him. He smiled down at her.

"Hello there, little one," he said gently as he kneeled to be on the same level as her. "Do you live here?"

The girl nodded and looked solemnly up at him.

"Would you take me to your father?"

Another silent nod and the girl had taken his hand. He rose to go with her and she tugged on his sleeve again.

"Pretty," she said, pointing to his hair that was blowing across his face.

He smiled down at her and they walked in silence for a moment. The girl clung to his hand, babbling nonsense words. Kenshin allowed himself to relax a bit although his heart was hammering in his chest. It might be remote but there still was a chance that they might recognize him and send him on his way. There was always and would ever be that chance.

"I should try to be as non-threatening as possible," he thought as he put on the rurouni's peaceful and innocent mask and continued toward the house. 

About halfway there the girl stopped and tugged on his sleeve again. He looked down on her with a smile.

"Tired…up please," she said with her arms outstretched to him.

He lifted her carefully and she giggled. Then she reached out a hand toward his hair, which he now wore at the nape of his neck, rather then in the high ponytail of former days. It was a bit shorter then it had been when he was a hitokiri because he had cut it shorter early in his wandering in a vain attempt to throw off pursuit. It was only just long enough to wear in a low ponytail.

The girl touched his hair carefully and smiled at him and her smile seemed to be as bright as a noonday sun to Kenshin. 

"Pretty red," she said with a giggle as she grabbed a handful and rubbed it across her face. 

Kenshin tried not to move so that she would not accidentally pull his hair. The girl giggled and then looked into his eyes. Her own widened in surprise.

"Oh! Pretty pretty eyes. Sad eyes…" Suddenly she hugged him and he stood stiffly in that hug. The girl did not seem to notice. 

"All better," she said, looking at him for confirmation of this fact.

"All better now," he said quietly, wishing that his sorrow could be taken away by such a simple gesture as that. "What is your name, little one?"

"Runiko," she answered as she grabbed his hair again and gave it a gentle tug.

"I should take you back to your parents then, Runiko-chan." She nodded in agreement and he began to walk again, wondering if he could convince them to let him stay and how long he would be able to do so.

*

It turned out that the Hirayoshi were not Runiko's parents but her grandparents. Her parents were both dead and she and her brothers and sisters were orphans. Her father had fought at the Battle of Tobu Fushimi and had died of his wounds. Her mother had died two years before of a wasting disease. Runiko and her three siblings were being raised by their father's parents, having nowhere else to go when their own parents died.

Kenshin frowned up at the stars, seeing again the blood-soaked ground overhung with smoke from the guns and cannon that had been Tobu Fushimi. He could not remember having ever crossed swords with anyone named Hirayoshi but he was sometimes uncertain about the names of some of the men he had slain though he did remember every location of battle and every face.

"It would be best if I didn't mention that I was at Tobu Fushimi. There would be less questions that way." 

He had told them his real name because he thought it best not to lie about that but he had told them little else besides that he was a rurouni looking for a place to stay and that Mazumoto had told him about the farm. They seemed eager to have his help and had accepted his story without prying into it. Kenshin was grateful for that because he had avoided awkward and painful questions that way.

He lowered his head and heard Runiko and her little brother, Toma, trying to sneak up on him. He smiled at their antics but made no sign that he knew they were there. He could hear them whispering behind him and he almost laughed.

"Quiet Toma or he will hear you." Runiko said with all the authority of an older sibling.

Toma shushed her and tiptoed closer to where Kenshin sat. Kenshin's smile widened and he closed his eyes and let his head drop, his hair screening his face from view as he pretended to be asleep. He could feel them tense just a moment before they rushed him, grabbing him by the arms. They squealed with laughter, making Kenshin smile.

"We snuck up on him, Toma!"

"Yeah got him."

Kenshin jumped when they grabbed his arms and made a surprised noise in his throat. His eyes went wide when he saw them and he rubbed the back of his head, looking sheepishly at them.

"You scared me, Toma-chan and Runiko-chan." He smiled at them and they all began to laugh. 

After a few moments laughter he took their hands and said: "I think it is long passed when you should be in bed."

They took his hands and let him lead them back inside, where a servant took them to their rooms. Kenshin watched them leave and Toma turned for a moment and winked at Kenshin. He smiled and winked back, feeling peaceful and relaxed for once. For some reason he could not understand children always caused this response in him. He was just beginning to walk back to his room when he felt the presence nearby, a powerful Ki flared and it was familiar to him. His eyes narrowed and took on an amber hue. He scanned the hall with his battle trained senses on high alert and a hand on his sword hilt but as suddenly as the Ki had appeared it vanished, leaving no trace for him to read. The hitokiri within him stirred from his slumber.

"Someone has followed us. We should find them before they find us."

Kenshin ignored the Battousai's cold voice as he continued to scan the hall and the surrounding area before returning to his room. There was nothing for him to sense now but for a moment it had seemed…

"Someone is here, watching us. They know…" Battousai's voice echoed in his head as he sat down by the window and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

"No one knows and on one could have followed. It is safe here." He pushed the voice away but Battousai refused to be silenced.

"If we don't do something then they will find us. We should seek them out, now before its too late."

"I shall stay here. We don't know that they are even still around or even who 'they' are. I promised to help out here and I will not allow anything prevent me from keeping my word," he thought firmly. "It doesn't matter what you say."

The Battousai muttered his disagreement then slipped back into the darkness with only one parting thought.

"What happens when Hirayoshi-san finds out who you are? You know very well that we will be forced to leave then. What if that is what the enemy wants?"

"I will make sure Hirayoshi-dono has no reason to suspect that I am not what I appear on the surface to be. I will be more careful then ever before. If the enemy seeks to drive me into the open then I will deny that to him." He opened his violet eyes and looked out the window and then to his sakabatou, which rested in its usual place against his shoulder. "And that means no sword practice."

As he thought about that he frowned. If he stayed here that would mean he would be unable to train for several months at least and in that time his sword skills would diminish somewhat. It was for this reason that all samurai practiced daily to keep their skills sharp but he would not risk it here not after that last incident. The hitokiri stirred again.

"There is no other choice. If I am to stay here through the winter then I need to lay aside all trappings of war. That includes morning sword training and it also includes wearing my sword in public."

"We cannot do that! Without a sword we are helpless against whoever seeks us. We need a sword to feel safe, even a sword like the foolish blade you insist on carrying now."

"It's the only thing I can do. I have to rest here. I need to stay in one place for a while before continuing on this road. I need some peace and I will do whatever is necessary to find it even if it is only temporary. I need time to think."

The Battousai muttered again but retreated back into the shadows. Kenshin looked out at the stars again and wondered if he was making a wise choice by staying here. He was putting Hirayoshi and his family in danger be being here and yet…he need the rest.

"I have to do this. I must stay here. The only other option is to make a bed in the snow and try to reach the next town. No. I will stay here all winter. I will make this work. I will just make sure to be more careful. It will not be like the last place."

He closed his eyes and saw again what had happened at the last place he had attempted to stay long at and shuddered at the sight. The townspeople had run him and the family who had helped him out of town when they found out that he was the Hitokiri Battousai. He had tried to help the Masahiro family find a new place to live but they had spurred his aid because of who he was. They had cursed him as he walked away and had threatened to go to the police and report his whereabouts to them. They had been as good as their threat and he had spent many weeks after being pursued by the police. 

"All because of one mistake. A mistake that must not be repeated here."

He had been trying to protect one of the Masahiro daughters from some members of the local yakuza who were harassing her. They had been persistent in their harassment and would not leave her alone even after Kenshin had warned them off. They had been decently trained in the sword and he had had to use some of his more recognizable moves on them to get them to back down. The battle ended with all of the members on the ground in various states of unconsciousness and Kenshin's eyes glowing amber. When he had calmed himself somewhat he turned to find the girl's elder brother who had just returned from the war staring at him with a wide-eyed stare, which quickly turned into one of complete rage as he recognized who stood before him. He had shouted the Battousai's name become enraged by the sight of him and had drawn his sword to attack. Quicker than lightening, Kenshin had disarmed the man but not before others villagers had seen him.

"It will not happen again for I will not allow it to." He glared at the stars. "Please just let me have some peace. That is all I ask. If I cannot get some rest then it may not matter if I am found." 

He closed his eyes and leaned against the window frame, his sword resting in its usual place. Soon he fell into a troubled sleep filled with dreams of the past, a dark shadowed alley and all around him the smell of blood.


	3. Chapter Three

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Disclaimer/Author's Note: I don't own RK even though I wish I did. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and also to thank Mir from Tales from the Meiji for posting my fics. If you have not visited her site you really should.

Chapter Two: Tranquility

"The sword is in the man." 

Old Japanese saying

For the next two weeks Kenshin's days took on a more regular rhythm and he began to truly relax for the first time since leaving Kyoto. The Hirayoshi family was friendly to him and treated him almost like a long lost son and Katsuo and Mitsuki, the two Hirayoshi servants respected him as being above them in station even if he was doing the laundry and chopping vegetables. The servants, who were married but never had children of their own, took him under their wing. They liked the quiet and polite young samurai and felt sympathy for him. They had detected a sorrow within Kenshin that was confirmed when they looked into his purple eyes. Something had wounded the young man's heart deeply.

"Something must have happened to him during the war," said Katsuo thoughtfully one night, long after Kenshin had left the kitchens for his own room.

"The war took the young master from us. Stupid, useless war," Mitsuki said with a touch of anger in her voice, then it softened. "But others have lost loved ones too. I think Himura-san is one of those unfortunates. I hear him calling out a woman's name in his sleep."

Although the two of them speculated about why Kenshin seemed so sad and why a young man who had obviously been a samurai of some station would want to become a penniless and masterless ronin, they never pried into his past. Kenshin, who was well aware of their curiosity, offered no more information other then his name and the fact that he had served for a time in the war. He dared not tell them more than that not because he was trying to hide but instead for fear of endangering them farther. That was why he had given Masamoto and countless others the same warning but the hitokiri had a different idea about how to keep those who discovered his identity silent. If it were left up to Hitokiri Battousai, he would kill all those who found out this information for that was how it had always been in Kyoto. If he was seen by anyone or if they tried to flee they were killed. For years that had been the way he had protected his identity as the Hitokiri Battousai.

Now he was finding it very difficult to change the patterns by which he had once lived his life. In Kyoto it had been kill or be killed and eliminate anyone who had seen your work no matter who they were. The single acception to this rule had been Tomoe. She had seen him kill the assassin that Bakufu had hired to kill him and he knew she had seen him. There was no possibility that she had not have seen it because the blood of that assassin had been splattered all over her. The hitokiri within him had screamed in his head to kill her because she had seen him and thus knew his true identity but he couldn't bring himself to slay an unarmed woman no matter what she had seen. She was not some armed enemy like the assassin had been so instead of killing her as the hitokiri urged; he followed his own heart for once and had taken her back to the inn instead. When he learned she had been drunk he felt somehow justified in his actions and the hitokiri remained quiet even though they both knew it was nothing more than an excuse. Kenshin knew that she had seen what had happened in that alley and Tomoe knew Kenshin knew she remembered the event but it had not mattered to either of them at the time. All that mattered was that they had found each other, two shadowed hearts had found the one who would restore their lost happiness. He held a hand to his left cheek and traced the scar there, remembering their brief time together.

"Tomoe…" he whispered as his fingers lingered over the part of the cross that had been made by her tanto. "I will always remember and always love you."

She was the one who had caused the change in his heart. She had been the only one able to bring back the light into his shadowed soul and it was because of her that he was alive now. Tomoe had traded her life for his own on that mountain four long years ago and because of that and for no other reason he would continue to try to live a life free of killing even though he no longer cared whether he lived or died. He was not sure when his life had begun to mean nothing to him, he only knew that in the shadows he had been forced to walk during the Bakumatsu he had lost all will to live. Maybe it came from seeing so much death and smelling the blood of those he slew. Somewhere in the tide of crimson that flowed from his sword he had stopped caring about any life, even his own. He wasn't entirely certain how it happened or even when but the fact was that it had. Even now that the war was over for him he still had no will to continue living but he could not fulfill his promise to her now if he died. His oath to Tomoe was all he had left to hold onto but he hoped that someday he could find the will to live again. For now his oath would have to take the place of his lost will until it could be found again.

Changing a pattern of thought that had become so ingrained that it seemed normal was going to be difficult but he would do as he promised her. It was the only way he felt he could atone for his crimes and his bloodstained sword. He refused to tarnish Tomoe's gift of life by breaking that oath in the same way he refused to stain his sword of peace with the blood of man. She had meant life to him and had pulled him back to the world of the living even though he had only ever given her death in return. It was difficult to control the yearnings of the hitokiri's heart but somehow he would do so with her memory as his guide. Later maybe he would be able to control the hitokiri on his own but for now she would remain his sheath.

"Arigato Tomoe, koishii…for everything." His heart clinched in pain and he felt a tear roll down his cheek.

He lowered his head to block his eyes from view and quickly wiped it away. He closed his eyes, which remained hidden under his long bangs and took several deep breaths. When he lifted his head and opened his eyes again, the room had come back into focus and he was able to return to his chopping of vegetables for the evening meal, a sad smile on his face and a deeper sorrow reflected in his eyes.

Mitsuko noticed his sad smile and nodded to herself and Kenshin, noticing her movement, looked up and smiled at her. She smiled back, noticing the sadness in his eyes.

"I know you won't believe me right now but things will get better and the pain will grow less as time passes. The years will heal your sorrow," she said in a whisper.

He gave her a penetrating stare and she saw the unshed tears in his slightly amber eyes. Mitsuka looked back at him without flinching and he smiled a trembling smile. His vision began to blur again and he felt hot tears splash on his hands. He dropped his knife and rubbed a sleeve across his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. Mitsuka came around the table and took the unresisting youth in her arms and at that moment he could hold the tears back no longer. He was not sure of how long he cried onto her shoulder but when he was through he felt much better than he had in a long while. Suddenly he realized he had never cried for Tomoe, not since the day he left Otsu bound for Kyoto and years of bloodshed. He had not had time to mourn properly for her death and he had held the sorrow of it in his heart all this time, never letting it go and always hiding it from others. There had been no time for mourning or sorrow back then and during the Bakumatsu's height he could not afford such distractions. 

But now that peace had finally come the floodgates had been opened and he had cried years worth of tears for himself, for those he had killed and most of all for her. When he was through, he looked up at Mitsuka and smiled the first real smile he had in a long time. His eyes and nose were red from crying but the pain in his heart was somewhat less.

"Now your heart can begin the long journey to healing," Mitsuka said quietly. "And someday you will find that you can live and love again." Kenshin doubted that that would even come to pass but he nodded in agreement anyway.

"For now remember your first love and hold onto her memory. When the time is right you will find another love and you will be able to let the first one go." She looked at him and for the first time he saw sorrow not unlike his own reflected there.

She had lost her first love too he realized with shock and he hugged her back.

"Arigato Matsuka-dono. I will remember your words." He turned and left her then returning only after washing his hands and face so that he could complete his chore with a calm, serene look in his eyes.

She smiled and returned to her own work, glad that she had been able to help him release some of his pain.

*

After this incident, Kenshin's life began to seem a little less dark than it had been before. He still deeply regretted his actions as a hitokiri, he still mourned over those he had slain and for Tomoe, he still felt fear and doubt about his future but all of his troubles seemed to weigh less on his heart and to become less burdensome. He felt the first stirrings of hope in his heart that his life might be made new again, that his divided soul might one day be whole again and that somewhere he would have a second chance.

"Somewhere down this road I will find a place where my past will not matter and where I can find a home and live in peace."

The snow lay in deep drifts all around him as he stood looking out his rooms. The snow was fresh, clean and new and for once he did not feel the deep sorrow that snow usually brought to his mind. In the past snow had always meant death to him but now he saw the possibilities for life even within its cold embrace.

He turned and rolled the window shut and left the room going to the kitchens to find out what he needed to pick up from the market. He had been asked to go into the village when the snows began and he had become a regular sight there twice a week. The vendors all gave him special deals on whatever he bought, which made things easier for the Hirayoshi family and allowed him to bring home toys or sweets for the children, which they adored.

From the beginning, the villagers had been very open and friendly with him and after the initial shock caused by his red hair or, more often, his unusual scar, they had accepted him as one of their own. They had taken him in so readily because he was unfailingly polite, always willing to lend a hand to help others and the children loved him. He'd already helped three lost children find their mothers when they had become separated. Kenshin was also humble, wanting no rewards for his help, assuring everyone that he did it because it was his job to help others.

Their friendliness had surprised him and unnerved the hitokiri, who believed it to be a trap of some kind. After time had passed, Kenshin grew more comfortable and the hitokiri's warnings became a faint murmur in the back of his mind. Kenshin enjoyed the change in attitude toward him. Never before had anyone accepted him for who he was behind the hitokiri's mask and Battousai's name. Here no one knew him as either of those people and because of that he was able to move more freely here than anywhere else.

Kenshin's arrival in the village this morning caused no excitement or at least no more than the arrival of anyone else did. Several vendors were out early and called to him in greeting as he passed their stalls. He waved them off politely and continued down the main street seeking the shop of Toshihiro where he could warm himself before he began this day's shopping.

As always, Toshihiro had a warm fire and a hot cup of tea waiting for Kenshin as he entered the apothecary shop. The shop actually belonged to Toshihiro's father who was also the village's only doctor and the shop smelled of a mixture of herbs, warmed tea and wood from the fire pit. 

"Right on time as always, Himura-san."

Kenshin smiled at his friend who was near his own age and sat down next to him, taking the cup of tea he offered. He cupped his hands around it to warm them and took a sip, letting the liquid warm him on the inside as well.

"So what mission brings you out here on such a cold morning?"

"Some tea, tofu, fish and daikon radishes. Also talk with a good friend." Kenshin's eyes had narrowed at the word 'mission' but Toshihiro seemed not to notice.

"Well, I can't help you with the first of those but the last one I can definantly help with," he said good naturedly. "I can sure talk when I want to."

Kenshin laughed at this, knowing it was nothing less than the truth. The very first time he had met Toshihiro the man had nearly talked his ears off but that was one of the reasons he had become friends with the young man and visited him often. He knew everything that went on in the village and in several nearby villages as well. Kenshin needed that information in order to know if anyone had followed him so that he could protect himself and others. This was a holdover from his bodyguard days when his life and the lives of those he was guarding depended solely on the information he received from trusted people. However, that was not the reason he had come today.

"Have you heard the news? Kira had her baby three days past. A good strong boy for the Isahiro clan. 

Kira was the daughter of a local farming family who had lost many sons in the fighting. Kenshin bowed his head, his eyes shaded by the fall of red hair around them.

"That is good news," he said quietly, hoping there would be more healthy and strong children born to replace those who had been lost to war and famine.

Toshihiro noticed Himura's pensive mood and watched his friend worriedly. Himura was always quiet, one given to listening rather than speaking and Toshihiro usually did all the talking but today he seemed quieter than usual. He wondered what was on Himura's mind now and hoped he hadn't heard the rumors yet. Miyuki village was very remote at the best of times but news did trickle in from the outside, albeit in a slower fashion then in big cities like Kyoto. There were a few traders who would bring news to them and a few people, like his father, who often traveled to villages that were closer to bigger towns. There were some rumors going around of a hitokiri who had escaped the hand of the new government and who was wanted by the same.

Toshihiro knew better than to believe rumors and hearsay for only last month someone had started a rumor that foreigner's had horns on their heads and tails like some kind of demon. When Toshihiro had finally met one this had not been the case at all. However, he was curious about the young man who had wandered into their village out of the blue and just before snowfall. He was doubly curious because Himura looked just the Hitokiri Battousai was rumored to look down to the red hair and scar. The Hitokiri Battousai was rumored to have slain hundreds of men with no remorse in his heart and the Meiji government had been searching for him since his disappearance from Tobu Fushimi.

"If Himura-san is really the legendary hitokiri then is this entire village in danger from him?" Toshihiro studied his friend, still wondering and hoping in his heart is wasn't true.


	4. Chapter Four

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note/Disclaimers: All the usual disclaimers apply. Hopefully I will be putting up several chapters at once as I have finished several already. Please R/R. Thanks again.

Chapter Three: Truth and Rumor

"My answer is with this Sakabatou."

Himura Kenshin 

Seisou Hen

Fansub

Kenshin did not notice Toshihiro's scrutiny or his growing curiosity about him because he was so deep in his own thoughts about what had brought him here on a day that he would not normally be in the village.

"There is a reason I came to see you today, Toshihiro-dono." Kenshin looked up at him and smiled faintly. "I was hoping you would be able to tell me something."

Toshihiro started out of his reverie and looked at Himura. "If I can be of service, then I shall. What seems to be troubling you?"

Kenshin shook the hair out of his eyes and pushed it back away from his face in a nervous gesture. He wasn't sure how to tell Toshihiro his problem without giving himself away but he had to know, had to find out what was wrong with him. He had been feeling weary and easily tired for no reason that he could see, even when is sleep was peaceful. It seemed to him as if his body was slowing down and old wounds were beginning to ache, particularly the ones on his back. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment and then plunged ahead, speaking carefully.

"I seem to feel more worn and tired then I should and some of the wounds I received in battle years ago are aching.

Toshihiro's eyes widened at this news and his mind began to seriously consider that his friend might indeed be the legendary hitokiri. He fell into his professional voice and used it to mask his growing curiosity. "Have you been working harder than normal?"

"No." came the swift reply. "I'm doing less actually, much less."

"Have you had this trouble before?"

"I have been feeling tired a lot recently and I have not been sleeping well." Kenshin sipped his tea again and looked up at his friend, who was deep in thought.

"How old are the wounds that are troubling you?"

Kenshin thought for a moment, wondering if Toshihiro would know enough about the goings on four years past that would connect him to the Ishinshishi's strongest and most well known hitokiri, before he answered. "Four years."

Toshihiro nodded at Himura's words. "I will have to examine the scar to find out what the problem is. If you will come into Father's examination room."

Kenshin put his cup down and rose, following Toshihiro into another part of the house used by Toshihiro's father as his clinic, his heart full of trepidation and the hitokiri's voice muttering ceaselessly at him. Toshihiro lit a lamp and set it on a nearby table, instructing Kenshin to remove his gi so he could look at the scars. When he did so, Toshihiro eyes widened in surprise. There were three parallel slashes across the young man's back and numerous other scars besides. Some of the scars were merely thin and faint lines, while others indicated deeper and more serious wounds.

"How did he survive some of these?" Toshihiro wondered as he asked Kenshin which scars were aching.

"The three across my back mostly," was Kenshin's answer.

Toshihiro examined the scars and felt them, noticing that they were white with age already and that the scars themselves were ragged and slightly bumpy. He passed a finger over each on in turn and noted the amount of scaring beneath the surface of the skin. The muscles beneath were tight and had very possibly been damaged when the wound occurred. Toshihiro frowned, knowing there was very little he could do to help beyond some medicine for the pain and that the damage would grow more noticeable as time passed.

"The scars ache because the wound never healed properly to begin with. Whoever treated them at the time did a poor job of it."

Kenshin made no comment about his statement for he had been the one to treat his wounds that day. There had been no doctor in Otsu and he hadn't had the strength of mind or body to travel to one at the time. After that there had been no time to see that they healed properly. 

When Toshihiro was finished with the examination, Kenshin dressed again and they returned to the front room. Toshihiro poured fresh tea for them and they sat in silence for some time, each with their own thoughts. Finally, Toshihiro broke the silence.

"I can give you something for the pain but that is all. As for your weariness…I can see no reason for it other than lack of sleep." He looked at Himura closely, wondering what it was that disturbed his sleep so much that it kept him awake nights. There were dark circles under his friend's eyes and his normally bright eyes seemed dull. 

"Arigato, Toshihiro-dono. I will try to get more rest and I will take whatever medicine you give me but you must know that I have no money, and so I will have to pay you back when I am able." He drank the rest of his tea and stood. "And now I must be on my way."

Toshihiro rose and bowed to Himura, watching as he wrapped a purplish scarf around his neck and placed the straw hat upon his head.

"I will be back for the medicine when I have finished at the market."

"I will be here." Toshihiro watched Himura leave and wondered anew about the young man. "He has to be the legendary hitokiri…But what is he doing here of all places?"

Toshihiro pondered this question as he got up and began to put away some of the dried herbs his father had brought back recently. He had just finished putting away the last of them and was sweeping the floor around the counter clean of the debris created by his work when a tall, dark-eyed man entered the shop. He looked up and found himself face to face with a farmer's hand from one of the nearby farms.

"How may I be of service?" he asked good-naturedly.

The man looked around the shop as if in search of something, then he looked at Toshihiro. Toshihiro noticed that while the man was dressed as a farm hand the clothing fit very badly and the man seemed ill at ease in it but he gave no indication that he had noticed the man's discomfort.

"I am looking for something that will help me sleep at night." The man's deep voice said as his eyes once more scanned the room.

"You're the second person in here today complaining of lack of sleep." Toshihiro looked around the shop to find something to help the man and did not notice when the man slipped something into some of the medicine on the counter.

"This is just what you need, sir. Seep these leaves in water for a few minutes and drink it right before sleeping."

"Arigato." The man bowed, paid for his purchase and walked back onto the street, disappointed that he hadn't found what he had truly been searching for.

"No matter, he will come out of hiding soon."

The man slipped unnoticed down the street, his mind on other matters so he did not notice when the one he sought walked by him.

*

Kenshin returned to Toshihiro's shop to pick up his medicine and, after a brief visit, then he headed back to the farm. The wind had picked up during the morning and the temperature had dropped considerably by the time Kenshin began his journey. He wrapped the scarf tighter around his neck and pulled his hands inside his gi for warmth. He watched as each breath he took turned the air around him to frost and looked at the slate gray sky overhead, his heart suddenly depressed.

"It will snow again soon," he thought but that thought brought forth a host of memories he would rather not deal with so he pushed them aside for the moment, intent only on reaching the farm before the impending storm broke.

He concentrated on each step he took instead of the memories that tried to play themselves out in his mind. There were some places on the ground beneath his feet that were covered by a thin layer of ice under the snow and footing was hazardous at best. Carefully he made his way across the open space in front of him, heading for the surer footing under the trees ahead.

He was concentrating so hard on his footsteps that he didn't, at first, hear the faint whooshing noise as a dagger was released and flew through the air behind him. He also failed to notice the two shurikens coming at him from the cover of the nearby trees. A half second later he was instantly alert and his battle training took over. He continued to walk a few paces forward and then, as the three projectiles where about to slam into him, he ducked and rolled, throwing up a cloud of powdery snow to block the vision of whomever had thrown them. At the same time he reached for his sakabatou, hearing only the call of battle and the voice of the Hitokiri Battousai who rushed forward to answer that call. 

His amber eyes narrowed as he came out of his roll and found that his hands held no weapon. Then he remembered that he had left the sakabatou at the farm.

"Kuso!" he muttered as he dashed for the cover of the forest with a burst of speed so that he would not be in such an exposed position. 

He saw no other option but to find his foe and take him out hand to hand as quickly as possible. Once he reached the cover the trees provided he sent out is Ki to sense where his foe was hiding and at the same time masking his own. He sensed nothing. There appeared to be no one there.

"Shurikins and daggers do not just appear. Where are they and how did they know I would come this way? Do they know who I am? No, they could not know. Everyone here thinks I'm a harmless rurouni and nothing more. No one knows about my past in Kyoto or that I am/was hitokiri."

Hitokiri Battousai scanned the trees above him with his eyes narrowed, but saw and sensed no one hiding within their branches.

For the next hour, he searched the area around the two most likely points of attack giving the weapons' trajectory but he found nothing. The only footprints in the area were his own and the weapons used in the attack were gone as well. He frowned and after making one more check over everything, he once more gave control to the rurouni.

"Who attacked us and why?" Kenshin thought as his violet eyes continued to watch everything around him.

Someone who is after our blood. We have many enemies.

Kenshin could not deny that but in a far corner of his mind, Kenshin wondered if they were not both starting to snap. As he walked by a tree, a shadow detached itself from another nearby and watched as the former Hitokiri Battousai disappeared among the trees. As soon as he did so, the shadow headed swiftly back in the direction of the town, leaving no trace of its passing and anxious to tell its master that the Battousai was still among the living.


	5. Chapter Five

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note/Disclaimers: All the usual disclaimers apply. Please R/R.

Chapter Four: Waking Nightmare

"Fighting can start a chain reaction and lead to more fighting."

Himura Kenshin

Seisou Hen

Fansub

Kenshin was dreaming of that time again and the dream was full of the sound of screams and smell of blood. Every night was the same, a never-ending nightmare supplied by his sleeping mind from his own past. He saw every victims' face, heard every scream and remembered every location of every battle he had been involved in. The dreams came and went, never leaving him in peace for more than a day and never allowing him to forget who he had become in order to bring the new era of peace into being.

This dream was darker and contained more blood than most of them did. It was a dark night with no moon and he had just finished a job. He was cleaning the blood from his katana when a troop of Shinsengumi rounded the corner ahead of him. When they spotted him and his 'work' all hell broke loose.

"It's the Battousai!"

"You will pay for this with your life."

"After him…"

Kenshin had taken off in the opposite direction, cursing his run of bad luck. This had been the fourth time in the last few days that he had been discovered by some of the Shogunate forces.

"There is definantly a traitor in our midst, someone who knows my exact movements."

There were not many people who knew this kind of information; only the people at the top of the Choshu clan would know these things. He continued to run, his mind working furiously on the problem of the traitor within and on finding a way out of the maze that made up Kyoto's back alleys. He passed by several intersections, knowing that there were people in them, whether friend or foe he didn't know but he was not about to involve them in his fight if it came to that. 

Finally, after several of these had been passed, he ducked into an unilluminated alley that was devoid of any presence that he could sense. He slipped silently into the shadows, his amber eyes scanning the area before he made his way slowly down the alley. After a few minutes, he turned and looked back at the alley's entrance but saw and heard nothing.

"Did I finally lose them?" he wondered as he continued to slip down the alley, concealed by the shadows.

When he judged that he was far enough into the alley not to be seen or heard by his pursuers, he leapt silently onto the roof of the nearest building and began running along these, jumping from roof to roof, as silently and gracefully as a cat. He moved swiftly and surely, having done so too many time in the past to count always certain that he could walk this path blindfolded if necessary.

That was why it was a surprise when the tile he landed on four houses down began to slip from under his foot. He felt himself beginning to fall from the roof and crouched low in an attempt to minimize the impact and its damage. His landing was as controlled as it could be given the circumstances but even with that he landed hard and heard his ankle pop as a shooting pain traveled up his leg.

"Kuso!" he muttered softly as he fell to the ground in a heap.

The impact of the fall he had taken had sprained or possibly broken his left ankle. He tried to stand but found that his ankle would hold no weight at all so he sat back down where he had fallen, his mind now occupied with the problem of how best to return to their base. He examined the ankle carefully and grimaced in pain when he touched a particularly sensitive area.

"Kuso!" he muttered again darkly, as he removed his gi to get at the white inner kimono he wore beneath it.

He tore strips from this and used them to bind up his ankle tightly to prevent any more damage to it. He tried to stand again and found that if he used his sheathed katana like a crutch he might be able to make it back to the inn. He hobbled down the alley slowly, trying to make the least amount of noise possible still inwardly cursing his luck.

"It seems as you luck has run out, Hitokiri," said a voice from the shadows, echoing his dark thoughts.

Kenshin turned his head and placed a hand on the hilt of his katana as a shadow detached itself from a nearby wall. He caught a glimpse of a shadowy face but nothing more. The other man's katana caught a glint of faint light as it was pointed at Kenshin's face. Kenshin's eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed at the man becoming shimmering amber orbs of coldness and rage.

"So the mighty dragon has had his wings clipped?" the man sneered and stared pointedly at Kenshin's injured ankle. "How unlucky you must be and how lucky I am. The very person I was sent to find falls right into my lap. You have saved me the trouble of searching for you, Hitokiri. Now you will receive Heaven's Justice and die. I will have the honor of being the one who finally defeated the legendary Hitokiri Battousai. I hope you are prepared from the next life, murderer."

The man raised his sword at the seemingly helpless Hitokiri Battousai but failed to notice the rage that had overcome his intended victim. Kenshin felt the hitokiri's coldness envelope him in its shadowy embrace. The man charged forward with a yell and made an overhead slash at him. Battousai waited, helpless to do anything about moving out of the way of the oncoming attack. Faster than the eye could see, the charging man was cut completely in half by Battousai's attack before the man had even taken two steps toward him and the man's body fell to the ground with a sodden thud. His blood sprayed all over the ground, the wall of a house and splattered around Battousai, covering him in its sticky, metallic wetness. The Hitokiri Battousai rose from his crouch and flicked the blood off his sword before cleaning and then resheathing the blade. He gazed down at the body with dispassionate amber eyes.

"Foolish boy but you were brave. I hope you find peace in the next life," he said, his eyes hovering between amber and violet. He turned and walked calmly down the alleyway, ignoring both the blood that covered him and the pain in his ankle.

He had gone perhaps a quarter mile and had entered the alley that lead to the inn, when his ankle gave out under him and he fell to the ground again. He sat there a moment stunned and then took careful note of his surroundings. There were no side intersections in this area and any number of places an assassin could be hiding. He couldn't sense anyone but that meant very little. He hid himself deeper into the shadows and his gaze traveling the visible length of the alley seeking enemies but finding none visible. His mind came up with plans on how best to proceed and he threw out several of them in the end deciding that his best bet was to remain where he was until near sunrise when most of the Bakufu's ninja assassins would be gone.

He had just moved even farther into the shadows and had prepared himself for a long wait when he heard the sound of moving feet coming from the direction he had just come from. They were moving toward him quietly but he could still hear them. Someone's muffled coughing helped him to identify who they were.

"Okita Shoshi and the first Shinsengumi squad…damn," he thought as he tried to calculate his chances of surviving if he had to fight.

Those chances were not very good with his injured ankle cutting his fighting abilities in half but he resolved to fight. He may be a hitokiri but he was also a samurai in service to Choshu and a samurai never fled from an enemy. He waited in tense silence for them to appear in his field of vision, his hand grasping the hilt of his katana to still its trembling. Just as he was sure things could get no worse he heard the sound of running feet and angry voices. He looked around the doorframe and saw a familiar silhouette at the alley's entrance, blocking his only path to freedom.

"Check every doorway and the roof as well. The Battousai cannot have gone far. I want him taken alive if possible but if you have to then kill him." Saito's voice echoed down the alley.

"Kuso," Kenshin muttered savagely, while his heart fluttered in his chest.

There was no chance of escape now and it was only a matter of time before he was discovered. Fear assailed him then and though the hand on his sword hilt was steady, his other hand trembled with fear.

"So this is how it ends but its no more than I expected," a detached part of his mind thought. "Well, I will see to it that it costs them greatly to take me down."

His hand clinched into a fist and he closed his eyes, calling to the hitokiri within one last time before it ended. When he opened them again, they were twin pools of amber fire and the hitokiri's cool detachment settled over him like a shroud. He rose swiftly to his feet and scanned the alleyway, picking random targets from the shadows. Just as he was about to spring, he heard the sound of a sword slicing through a body and a dull thud followed by a scream that rent the air…

Kenshin jerked awake and found that his body was covered in sweat and there was a familiar scent in the air. It flooded his senses with its sweet odor and it was so thick in the air that he could almost taste it. His amber eyes glowed in the darkness of the room and his mouth was bared in a snarl. His eyes scanned the area for the source of the smell but could not seem to locate it. Then he looked down at himself and the sword in his hand. In an instant the hitokiri vanished and Kenshin saw, to his horror, that his hands were covered in blood and that it was also dripping from the sleeves of his sleeping robe. His bloodstained hands held the hilt of his sakabatou in a vice-like grip, the blade of which was reversed so that the edged side faced outward. It was stained crimson with fresh blood.

Kenshin's purple eyes widened in shocked surprise and his mouth opened in a silent scream. His mind refused to acknowledge the truth of what he was seeing and he seemed to be frozen to the spot. He felt and heard wind rushing in his ears and then all was darkness. His last coherent thought was: "Have I broken my vow and failed her?"


	6. Chapter Six

Kokoro no Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: Will of the Rurouni

By Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note/Disclaimer: All the usual disclaimers apply here as elsewhere. Sorry to take so long with the typing of this.

Chapter Five: Hitokiri's Warning

"Deep within me, there is a vicious manslayer who will never change."

Himura Kenshin

RK Episode 31

Subtitled

When Kenshin came to himself, he found that he was back on his futon with the blankets twisted around his body and there was neither blood nor its smell anywhere in the room. He blinked as if expecting the scene before him to change but it remained its peaceful self. On impulse he checked his nails for any trace of blood because it had always managed to find its way there when he had been a hitokiri. There was nothing there, no trace of blood and when he checked his sword a few moments later there was nothing to indicate that had even been moved let alone used. The wrappings around the hilt were not even damp.

"What's going on? Was it all just a horrible dream?" He rubbed a hand across his tired eyes and tried to clear his mind of the vivid nightmare.

For the next several days Kenshin slept very little, due to persistently vivid and violent nightmares, although none of them had caused him to believe himself covered in blood as the previous one had. After a time the nightmares became so violent he vowed not to sleep at all. 

"What is causing this?" he wondered for the hundredth time. Something had set off these dreams of the past but the events depicted in those dreams were more violent and bloody then he remembered them being and he did not like it nor did he like the fact that his dream self seemed to enjoy the slaughter he was creating.

He held out for several more days through meditation rather than sleep but on his way to the village on the morning of the fourth day after he had sworn not to never sleep, he fell unconscious in the snow just outside the village's gate, his body having at last given out from the strain. When he didn't arrive on time as he usually did. Toshihiro went out to search for him. When he had found him Himura's body was frozen and shook with fever. Toshihiro did the only thing he could think of at the time and had taken his friend to his family's house. There he lay Himura on a futon and covered him, wondering what had happened to get his friend in such a state.

For the next several weeks, Toshihiro and his father, Dr. Asukara, did what they could to save Himura's life. Toshihiro spent every waking moment at Himura's side as his body fought the fever and he now knew more about the young man then he had known before. Toshihiro was now certain that Himura was the Hitokiri Battousai. Himura had called out that name several times in his fevered dreams, saying there was too much blood on his hands and that he had only been doing what he thought was right at the time for the protection of the weak. In a hoarse voice full of pain he had begged them to forgive him and for the Battousai to free him. And he had called out a woman's name over and over in a soft whisper laced with such profound sorrow that it made Toshihiro eyes water to hear it. Himura, it seemed, had known more pain and suffering in his young life than Toshihiro had ever experienced in his.

"How can he continue living with a heart in such pain?" he wondered as he rinsed a cloth in cool water and placed it on his friend's forehead.

Now that he knew for sure that Himura was the legendary hitokiri whose name had held all of Kyoto in fear, he found that the information did not frighten him nor did it really change his opinion of the young man. Both he and his father had discussed this and decided that the true identity of their ill 'guest' would remain a secret, just between them and the members of their household. They would tell no one and Toshihiro felt it was the least he could do for the man who had become his friend.

*

Kenshin awoke and knew immediately he was not in his room at the Hirayoshi farm. He lay on the futon with his eyes still closed, trying to remember what had happened. Gathering his scattered thoughts, he remembered that he had been having nightmares, which left him unable to sleep. He had remained awake for days then he had gone to the village to see if Toshihiro had anything that could help him sleep. He searched his mind but could remember nothing after leaving the farm over the protests of the Hirayoshi family who told him he was too ill to go anywhere. He raised a hand to his forehead and found a damp cloth there. His hand moved under the blanket until it came to rest on the hilt of a sword.

His eyes snapped open and his hand recoiled from the weapon. His eyes darted around the room in much the same manner as the thoughts darted around inside his head. What had happened? Where was he? Had he truly broken his vow? Had he killed again? These were questions for which he had no answers. His eyes roamed the room again taking in the papered windows with sunlight coming through them, the clean white walls and an enormous folding screen covered in delicately painted flowers and birds. 

Suddenly there was movement to his left and he turned to find its source, his eyes panic stricken and his hand going reflexively to the sword at his left hip only to find it was no longer there. His wide purple eyes locked instantly with the dark ones of the man next to him and those eyes had an instant calming effect on the young man. He looked up into the eyes of a kindly older gentleman who seemed to be an older version of his friend Toshihiro.

"You have slept long Himura-san." He placed a hand on Kenshin's shoulder and gently laid him back down. "But you still need to rest. The fever has taken a toll on your small body and you will need a month to recover completely but you will be just fine. I'm Dr. Asukara."

Kenshin's eyes were fixed in the ceiling of the room as he took in what the doctor said to him, and then he closed his eyes, trying to still the fear that was coiling itself around his heart.

"I'm sorry for troubling you," he replied weakly, suddenly realizing how weak he felt and hearing the hitokiri muttering in the back of his mind.

"It's no trouble, Himura-san. You're lucky my son found you when he did, or you would have frozen to death."

"How long have I been asleep?" he asked in a voice that was no more than a whisper.

"Nearly a month but that is to be expected with a fever of this nature." Asukara said calmly.

Kenshin panicked again. "The Hirayoshi's? Are they all right? They did not catch this fever?" His heart pounded in his chest at the thought.

"They are all fine, Himura-san. Toshihiro had been to see them to let them know how you were and to make sure they were all right."

Kenshin's muscles, which had tensed up, relaxed again and he lay there for several moments trying to calm himself. He heard Asukara rise and opened his eyes again to look at the doctor.

"Arigato Asukara-dono. You have saved my life."

"Rest now Himura-san. You are safe here," he said as he looked down at the red-haired youth before he turned and left the room.

Kenshin nodded and closed his eyes, allowing the heaviness that still lingered in his mind to overcome him. That was when another nightmare struck with sudden ferocity.

//The smell of blood was heavy in the air around him. It pooled at his feet and stained the wall behind his latest victim. He cast a dispassionate stare at the other men in the alley, his amber-eyed glare taking in each man to make sure they were all safe. He calmly cleaned the blood from his sword and walked passed the men to where Katsura stood, surrounded by his other bodyguards.

"I suggest we find new alley, Katsura-san," he said in a deadly calm voice to his leader, bowing slightly. "With your permission?"

Katsura nodded and Kenshin walked down the alley searching for an alternate route to the meeting between Choshu and Satasuma. Katsura watched the young man with worried eyes. He had turned a young boy into a killer and now, having seen the amber glow in his creation's eyes, he realized his error and only hoped it would not be too late to save what was left of the boy's soul.

Kenshin searched until he found a suitable path and began to lead the others to it, letting some of Katsura's other bodyguards take the lead. He let them all pass him and took up his position in the rear and tuned his senses for any sign of trouble or threat. He could hear the man whispering about him and a part of him reveled in the fear and awe in the men's voices. They were mostly new to the bodyguard detail and most had never actually seen him fight and, like his foes, they were surprised and awed by his skill. But another part of him felt as if it were dying with every person that he slew. He felt as if each death he caused made a part of his gentle peaceful nature die. He wasn't sure how much longer he could do this and still be able to walk away from it or how much longer he could fight the hitokiri's cold rage and his madness, which only grew as time passed.

"I have to get away from this and soon before I become lost forever to the madness and before killing becomes the only thing left."

Suddenly a cry from the front of the entourage broke his contemplations.

"Ambush! Protect Katsura-san," one of the other guards shouted to Kenshin and he moved toward Katsura in one swift, fluid motion. He pushed his way through the mass of fighting men to find Katsura engaged in a battle with another samurai, then the man stopped his attack on Katsura and stared at Kenshin with feral grin and barely veiled rage in his eyes. Kenshin's Ki flared and the cold detachment of the hitokiri settled over him.

"So you have come seeking me?" he said in a cold voice that caused all fighting in the alleyway to cease. All of the men in the alley felt a wave of cold rage coming from Battousai and they backed away from his deadly amber gaze. The samurai merely nodded in answer to Battousai's question and waited, his sword still unsheathed in his hand.

Battousai crouched in battoujutsu stance with his left hand gripping his saya while his right hand hovered over the hilt of his katana. Everyone near him moved out of the range of his attack and Battousai glared at the other man, a cold rage burning in his narrowed eyes. The two combatants stared at each other across the intervening space, seeming to wait for a signal of some kind.

Battousai took this time to study the opponent before him. The samurai was taller then he was with dark hair pulled into the traditional samurai topknot. Judging from the symbol that stood out pale against the dark clothing he wore he was a samurai in service to Aizu. He looked to be in his thirties but Battousai could not be certain of that.

"Come," Battousai growled, irritated by the delay.

The samurai complied and charged toward the hitokiri with a cry. Battousai waited calmly still in his crouched position as his enemy came closer. In a blur of motion he had drawn his sword and hit empty air. He heard laughter behind him and felt his opponent's blade slice open his shoulder. He winced at the pain but spun around with his sword outstretched and was rewarded with the clash of steel on steel. Then he spun on his heel and got in behind the man, his sword slashing at the man's unprotected back. There was another ring of steel on steel and the man ducked under Battousai's swing and opened another wound in his chest. Battousai's agility had saved him from being cut in two by the other man but only by the narrowest of margins.

He glared at the man and was about to charge the samurai again when he felt suddenly strange. The sword in his hand fell to the ground with a loud clatter and he felt himself following its path. He could hear panicked voices around him. He felt another blade pierce his flesh and heard a voice say.

"I will let you live today, hitokiri, only because there are too many here for my liking but we shall meet again Battousai. I will never take my eyes from you now. You have slain my brother and I demand Heaven's Justice for that. Remember you are living on borrowed time."//

*

Kenshin woke, terror gripping his heart and sweat pouring from his body. His eyes darted around the now dark room as the words from his dream echoed in his head. 'I demand Heaven's Justice'. For the rest of the night Kenshin's mind dwelled on the meaning of those words and on his past.


	7. Chapter Seven

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note/Disclaimer: I own nothing here except the plot and a few characters. Hope you are enjoying this. To those of you who are reviewing thank you so much.

Chapter Six: Shadow Hunted

"Your bloodstained hands can't let go of the sword can they? Be honest with yourself Battousai…"

Udo Ji'ne

RK Episode 31

Subtitled

Sweat was dripping from his brow and he was panting with the effort that standing required but at least Kenshin was on his feet again. He smiled and was for the moment content with making his way slowly across the room to its outer door. This he slowly slide open, finding that his limited strength was just enough to do so.

He looked out at the inner garden of the house, covered with a blanket of melting snow. The sun was shining brightly and sky overhead was a startling shade of blue. Kenshin stood on the doorway, transfixed by the sky and the high clouds that moved over its surface. A small breeze blew through the garden, stirring the wind chime that hung from a nearby beam, causing three notes to sound. The wind played like fingers through his hair and pulled playfully at his gi and hakama. He smiled and closed his eyes, letting the wind wash over him and smelling the fresh and slightly warm air.

"It's good to see you awake and moving about again," Toshihiro said from the opposite door. He was holding a tray of food and smiling at his friend.

Kenshin turned and smiled at Toshihiro who grinned back. Standing, framed by the doorway, Kenshin looked almost well, had it not been for the fact that his normally pale skin was paler and his slight frame was now so thin that bones jutted out from his face.

"That's hardly surprising given his illness," thought Toshihiro. 

The fever had very nearly taken the life of Himura and his body had been severely weakened by it. He might never regain his old strength again unless he was extremely careful.

Toshihiro brought the tray of food and fragrant tea over to where his friend stood. He set it down and motioned for Himura to join him on the floor.

"Father wants to speak to you but he said you should eat first."

Kenshin nodded and slowly sank to the floor, his back leaning against the doorframe. The effort of doing so cost him what little energy he had and caused sweat to form on his forehead. He brushed it away from his face and brushed back the bangs that had fallen into his eyes before taking up a bowl of rice and beginning to eat slowly. He was not really hungry but he knew he had to eat if he wanted his strength to return. He paused and looked again at the barren garden and then turned to Toshihiro, a serious look on his face, wondering what Asukara wanted to speak to him about but afraid he already knew the answer.

"Your father wishes to speak to me about my illness."

Himura's statement caused Toshihiro's brown eyes widened in surprise for it meant that Himura knew what it was that his father wanted to discuss.

"And there is also something I wish to speak to him about." Kenshin's eyes were slightly amber as he continued to eat his rice.

Toshihiro nodded at Himura's statement and noticed the change that had come over his friend. For a moment, Toshihiro saw why this man had been so feared by the Shogunate. There was an aura of danger and death about Himura that could be felt by those around him. He felt this for a moment before Himura's attitude changed again and the man he had come to know was back.

Kenshin looked back across the garden. "It's good to feel the sun again," he said quietly, the food in front of him forgotten.

Toshihiro smiled. "This is the first really nice day we have had."

Kenshin continued to sit, his eyes closed, feeling the sun warm his face and body. He breathed in and out evenly, using the rhythm of his breathing to calm himself. He listened to the sounds around him and he could hear people on the street talking, the squeal of children and the shouts of the vendors calling out their wares to passersby. He smiled at the normal sounds of the village but under it all there seemed to be a hint of tension in the air. Kenshin frowned. Did the people talking sound a little fearful? Was the cheerfulness in the vendors voices forced? He continued to listen and finally heard a sound he was hoping never to hear again: the sound of booted feet and, in the distance, the faint shrill calls of a police whistle.

His eyes snapped open and he felt the hitokiri within him beginning to rise. He pushed him back down and turned his slightly amber gaze to Toshihiro.

"What has been happening? The people outside feel afraid," he asked quietly, not mentioning the presence of the police and army where there had been no one before.

Toshihiro's face fell and he looked away for a moment. "There have been five people in the past month who have been brutally murdered in their own homes."

Kenshin's eyes widened at the information and he nodded for Toshihiro to continue.

"They have all been killed with one stroke of a sword and the killer leaves behind a note attached to the body, which reads 'Heaven's Justice'" he suppressed a shiver.

Kenshin's eyes narrowed as the words 'heaven's justice' hit him with the impact of a practice blade and he lapsed into thought.

"There is another hitokiri here. I have been trying to warn you for weeks but you would not listen. He's brought the police and army here."

"It would appear there is more to this village then first appears."

"We are now the ones in danger. We must protect ourselves. Shall we leave?"

Kenshin was surprised by Battousai's question. Normally Battousai was of the act now, think later mentality.

"No not yet. No one knows we are here."

"But if we don't leave then we run the risk of being found and we do not want to be found. Not yet."

"They are of no threat to us I tell you. What concerns me more is the presence of this hitokiri that cannot stop killing and that he is taking the lives of innocent people. He is the real threat and I will not allow him to continue to do so." The hitokiri muttered but agreed with Kenshin's assessment of the situation.

Kenshin looked into Toshihiro's apprehensive face and spoke in a calming voice as he rose carefully to his feet. "Take me to your father now."

*

Kenshin sat across from Asukara, digesting the information he had just been told by the doctor. Finally, after several moments deep in thought, he looked up from his folded hands, locking eyes with the Asukara.

"So your saying that I might never fully recover from this illness and that it will eventually sap me of all my strength?"

Asukara looked sadly at the young swordsman before answering carefully. "The fever has severely weakened your body. That, coupled with your previous injuries will, in time, weaken you farther unless you get the required rest now."

Kenshin nodded slowly and pushed back the hair that had fallen over his eyes. "I understand, Asukara-dono and I will try to rest but there is something I must tell you first in order for you to decide whether I can stay here until I am well enough to travel again. In Kyoto…in the past I was known as…"

"The Hitokiri Battousai," Toshihiro finished for him. "We already knew that."

Kenshin's eyes widened in surprise. "How…?" he said, completely stunned.

"You spoke in your sleep, while you were ill and you also look as the rumors say you do."

Kenshin bowed his head, his mind working feverishly and his heart panicking for a moment.

"They know. They must be silenced now. Do it now before they give us away." the hitokiri within him raged.

"If you know who I am then you also know you could be putting yourselves in danger by harboring me in your home." His eyes were squeezed shut under his hair and his right hand balled into fist in his lap as he waited for those familiar words, his heart in pain and the voice of the hitokiri becoming more forceful in his demand to silence those who knew his identity.  
  


The expected words never came and Kenshin's head snapped up as he heard Asukara's next words.

"We accept the risks and have done so since the beginning. All people deserve respect and as a doctor I cannot allow anyone to suffer no matter who they are."

Kenshin's eyes widened and he bowed deeply from his seated position, relief washing through him.

"Arigato Asukara-san. I thank you for your respect and your protection even though I am deserving of neither. I think I will go and rest now."

Kenshin rose, bowed again and left the room silently, deep in thought. For once the hitokiri's voice as silent, apparently also stunned by the doctor's kind and unexpected words.

"Such a humble young man." Asukara said quietly. "He carries so much on his shoulders and still remains humble."

Toshihiro looked at his father surprised and Asukara looked back at him with wisdom in his eyes.

"When you get to be as old as I, then you will understand what I say. I have seen many of his kind in my lifetime, ones who are a result of war or famine and who have allowed their gentler natures to be overcome by the baser instincts of survival at any cost. Himura is such a man and yet his spirit has remained both humble and gentle despite this. If the will of his spirit is strong enough he will be able to restore his gentler nature without having to maintain this truce between the two parts of his soul. He will become one man again."

Toshihiro nodded in agreement with his father not really understanding but accepting the truth of the words and rose from his place, bowing to his father. "I must mind the shop now, Father."

Asukara dismissed his son with a wave of his hand and Toshihiro left him still deep in thought.

*

The next several days were restful for Kenshin and he began to feel his strength slowly returning. After a week more had passed, he began to grow restless, his body wanting more exercise than walking the garden paths provided. Finally, he asked Toshihiro to visit the Hirayoshi farm and bring back his sakabatou for him since he could not travel over long distances yet. As soon as he had returned with it, notwithstanding the fact that it was nearing sunset, Kenshin went to the garden to practice.

He put the saya through his obi and immediately felt more secure then he had in a long time. He went into battoujutsu stance and slowly practiced each of the Hiten Mitsurugi battoujutsu techniques, knowing that most of the other techniques were beyond his present capability. Toshihiro watched him and immediately saw why Kenshin had become one of the most feared assassins in the war and why his name was already a legend. He was fast and his strikes were fine tuned and accurate.

"No wonder his is called the strongest," Toshihiro thought as he watched.

Kenshin ignored his audience and continued with his exercises until he was too tired to do any more. Then he flicked his sword and sheathed it, turning to where Toshihiro sat in the shadows of the porch. He walked over and sat down, leaning against the railing with his sword resting against his shoulder and his eyes closed. Toshihiro said nothing but sat next to his friend, waiting for the man to speak. The long silence was broken at last by Kenshin's quiet voice.

"The sword is a weapon meant for slaying others, for taking lives. These techniques are those of a killer and that is what I was and what I will forever struggle with." Toshihiro watched him rise. 

Kenshin went back inside the house, leaving Toshihiro outside alone with his thoughts.

*

//The sky overhead was an eerie shade of red; red like the blood he had shed. All around him were the cries of the wounded and the dying overlaid with the sound of cannon and the crackling of flames that was all that was left of the villages of Tobu and Fushimi.

"Its over. Its over," he thought as his heart thudded in his chest. "Finally over."

He scanned the field though the haze of smoke from the cannons, which was stained crimson from the dying sun. The cannon fire from both sides had rent the ground, which was soaked in the blood of the many hundreds of men who had been willing to die for their beliefs. The bodies of friends and foes alike lay mingled at grotesque angles there. Now they were no longer friends or foes, just victims of the senseless bloodshed. The cries of the wounded and dying continued and Kenshin closed his eyes, trying to block the sights and sounds from his head, but knowing that he would never be able to forget.

"Never again. It is finally over and I will never again return here or take up the sword of the hitokiri." He shook his head and plunged his sword into the ground but when he tried to let go of the hilt his hand seemed fused to it.

He opened his eyes and stared around him in horror. All of his victims were grouped around him, pulling at his clothing, their wounds still bleeding and leaving deep pools of crimson on the ground. They formed a wall around him so that he could not move or escape them. Then they began to chant, their voices cold and full of bitter rage.

"You can never let go of the hitokiri's sword. Your past deeds can never be forgiven and never forgotten for they are marked upon your flesh. We want vengeance. We demand justice. Heaven's Justice will fall upon you soon murderer."

They pulled him down and he could feel himself smothering as the smell of blood and rotted flesh assailed him, overpowering in its intensity until everything disappeared and all that was left was its metallic odor. He felt himself spinning out of control, as the urge to kill grew stronger within him. He struck out at his attackers with a battle cry.//

He sat bolt upright on the futon, his breathing rapid and the smell of blood still in his nostrils. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and waited but the smell of blood grew stronger instead of dissipating. He opened his eyes and found, to his horror, that he was not imagining the smell. The floor around him and his futon were soaked in blood and his hands were covered in its stickiness. His right hand was clutching his sakabatou, which had been unsheathed. Kenshin's body began to tremble as he looked around the ruined room. There was blood everywhere and, looking around the scene, he soon found its source.

Dr. Asukara was lying in a widening pool of blood, his body slashed from right shoulder to left thigh. Kenshin's eyes widened and he could feel himself beginning to slip away into unconsciousness. Then his eyes fell on a note, scrawled in an untidy hand in the blood of the slain man.

"Heaven's Justice. This is our Heaven's Justice for your crimes, Hitokiri Battousai."


	8. Chapter Eight

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. And now I present Chapter Seven. Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter Seven: A Samurai's Honor

"There is no doubt that Battousai is one part of my true self, destined to live only within war."

Himura Kenshin

RK Episode 31

Subtitled

Kenshin felt his sword slip from nerveless fingers and his knees fold under him. He slipped to the floor, his mind not registering the fact that he had been standing. Over and over a part of his mind screamed incoherently. He had broken his vow. His heart felt shattered into a million pieces and his soul felt as if it were spiraling into the madness of the hitokiri again. His amber eyes darted around the room, as if seeking escape and the smell of blood called to him once more from the depths of his mind. He shook his head to clear it of the hitokiri's urges and slumped forward, his head pillowed in his arms, his body to numb to move. His body and mind were in complete shock and the sickeningly sweet smell of blood was overpowering his dulled senses. He closed his eyes tightly against the sight of the blood, fighting of the urge to vomit and, at the same time, fighting off the desire to kill someone that came each time he smelled it. He willed his body to move, so that he could escape the stench of death, but his numbed body refused to obey him. He remained bowed, his body twitching and trembling with shock, unable to do anything but moan.

Toshihiro found Himura still in this state when he entered the room a few moments later, his sword drawn and his heart pounding in his ears. He stopped when he saw the body of his father and the blood stained walls and mats on the floor. Then, he saw Himura's pale form, looking ghostlike in the semi-darkness of the room. His sleeping robe was stained crimson and there were streaks of blood on his cheeks. His unsheathed sword lay on the ground, reflecting silver in the faint moonlight that streamed from the slightly opened window. Himura's body was trembling and his hands were clenching and unclenching. 

Toshihiro stood frozen in the doorway, unable to do anything, his mind in shock.

"Father's dead?" he thought, not quite believing the evidence of his eyes.

He looked from the body back to Himura's sword and then to Himura himself. One thing was absolutely clear to him at that moment: whatever had happened in the room, Himura was not the one who had killed his father. Himura's blade had no blood on it whatsoever and so it was not the blade that had murdered his father. Toshihiro was relieved and he stepped into the room moving carefully around the prone form of his friend, to see the scene of death. His body trembled and his face paled as he did so. He put his shock and sorrow aside for the moment in order to study the death scene as carefully as he could, knowing that Himura would be unable to help himself should the police arrest him for the murder.

His father lay face down in a pool of his own blood. The deathblow had been swift and sure, cleaning severing his father's body in two. 

"Whoever did this was an expert swordsman of exceptional skill." Toshihiro took a close look at his father's sword. "There is blood on it. Father must have fought his attacker."

Toshihiro studied the clues left behind carefully. Then he looked at the message left behind by the killer and then back to Himura's still shaking form.

"Someone did this to break him and it looks as if they have succeeded in that." He walked over to his friend and knelt down on the floor next to him, trying to get him to speak or move to no avail.

Kenshin's mind was a maelstrom of fear and rage. He could not seem to gather two thought together in any fashion nor think any coherent thoughts at all. His mouth, hidden by his arms, moved without making a sound beyond a faint moan. He found that he now wanted to either run away as far and as fast as he could or to commit seppuku right then to restore what little honor he still possessed. His body refused to respond to either desire. A part of him registered Toshihiro's entrance and presence in the room but his body refused to take any action. Secretly, Kenshin hoped that Toshihiro would kill him right there and end his agony but nothing like that happened.

Finally, it was Toshihiro's urgent voice that brought him back to himself. He looked up from his position on the floor and saw the concerned face of his friend staring back at him. His shook his head to try to clear it and blinked several times, the smell of blood still strong in his nostrils.

"Himura-san, can you remember anything that happened here?" Toshihiro asked in an urgent voice.

Kenshin closed his eyes and tried to remember anything of use at all but could think of nothing. Then, in a flash, the hitokiri remembered something and it was he who spoke in answer to Toshihiro's question.

"I sensed two people in the room with me while I slept. One was your father. The other was one with a powerful and evil Ki. He was someone I knew but...I cannot remember who he is." Batousai's voice was flat and he looked at Toshihiro with eyes that were slightly amber. "That is what I remember. I cannot say whether they fought but one thing is certain, I was the target." 

Toshihiro nodded and watched Himura rise to his feet and glance down sadly at the body. 

"He died because of me." Kenshin thought sadly as he looked at the body and closed his eyes, shutting off the sight of it. "Another death because of me..."

He could feel despair and rage in his heart and he walked to the doorway silently, knowing what he must do.

"I will go and get cleaned up and then I will turn myself in," he said quietly, his head bowed so that his face couldn't be seen.

"You can't do that, Himura-san! They will execute you for all the murders because of who you are. I know you are innocent!"

"That is the only way I can prove that Himura Kenshin is innocent of these crimes to the rest of the people here. They will not believe a single man or any words of a hitokiri. They will only see a killer not the man I am. This is the only way can I prove my innocence."

"But what if the killings stop after you turn yourself in? What then, Himura-san?" His friends voice had a panicked quality to it.

"Then I will know that the one who is after my life is a coward," Kenshin stood framed in the doorway, and he turned his head so that Toshihiro could see his gleaming amber eyes. "Either way, I will know where I stand."

*

Several hours later, Kenshin walked out of the Asukara house and into the bright sunlight of early morning. He was dressed as he had been during the Bakumatsu: dark blue gi, gray hakama, and dark blue tabi. There were two swords thrust through his obi, neither of which were his own. He had left his sakabatou in Toshihiro's hands with instructions to keep it safe for him. He had swept his blood red hair up into a high ponytail and it floated behind and around him in the early morning breeze. The villagers moved out of the young swordsman's way, noticing the look of steely determination in his slightly amber eyes and his aura of calm detachment. That calm detachment and determination were all that he had left to hold him steady in a world that had suddenly gone insane. Once again, his two spirits were working together to save themselves from danger, although the hitokiri was waging a war for control. Kenshin could feel his coldness and rage building just under the mask of calmness he now wore and he fought that feeling with everything he had within him.

Slowly, he made his way to the building that was being used by the police, his heart and soul in turmoil, despite his calm exterior. He knew he was facing almost certain death but he hoped his willingness to surrender himself would be proof of his innocence. Criminals very rarely turned themselves in and never willingly.

"I just hope I'm doing the right thing," he thought as he made his way down the side street and toward the building, his heart thudding with every step.

He walked into the building that was being used by the police as their headquarters and surrendered his swords to the man stationed there, even though the voice of the hitokiri told him to keep them.

"I wish to speak to the one in charge here, please," he said in a commanding tone that he softened with politeness. The officer motioned for him to enter a side room.

"I will bring him here, right away, sir." The man was clearly unnerved by Kenshin's presence and he quickly bowed his way out of the room.

Kenshin ignored the man's nervousness and scanned the room carefully for possible threats. Finding none, he walked across the room and looked out the only window, watching the people walk by in the street. He stood there deep in thought, his red hair glinting in the sunlight that streamed from the window, and his eyes shaded by its fall. He heard someone behind him gasp in evident surprise.

"Himura-san?" a slightly shocked voice said. Kenshin turned at the familiar voice and found himself face to face with an old friend.

"It's been a while, Yoshikawa-san." Kenshin studied the man in an imperial army uniform before smiling a bit. Yoshikawa Hideki had been another bodyguard back in the days of the Bakumatsu and the two of them had worked together on a few occasions in those days, saving many lives with their swords. Kenshin could feel a bit of hope rising in his chest but he reminded himself of what he was there for and did not allow that hope to grow.

"What has brought you to this backwoods town, Himura-san?" Hideki said quietly.

Kenshin steeled himself, a glint of amber just visible in his eyes, and then he sank to the floor, bowing deeply to the other man. "I have come about the murders and I wish to turn myself in."

"You are the murderer we seek?" Hideki's voice sounded disbelieving and confused. "Why...?"

"You misunderstand. I am turning myself in to you in order to prove my innocence in this matter," he replied firmly and without fear.

Hideki looked at the man kneeling before him, confusion in his eyes. He had meet Himura Battousai a few times when their duties crossed paths during the Bakumatsu and each time he had found the man to be cold and ruthless to his enemies. Himura Battousai had been, in his own way, just as calculating in battle as a bodyguard as he had been as a hitokiri and there was something of that in him now. He had never let a foe escape alive, once they had crossed katana but he was also never one to attack first. He had always waited until being attacked before he committed to anything. The other men had always said there was something different about him when he returned from hiding. There was even a rumor that he had been secretly married and that his wife had died mysteriously but the men didn't believe it. However, now there seemed to be something different about the man before him.

"The man has changed somehow." Hideki thought while his mind worked out the best course of action. He could not allow Himura to be arrested for a crime he had not committed because the trial would become a travesty and Himura would be executed for certain. There were certain elements in the army, as well as the government, that wanted to hunt him down and slay him because they believed he was a danger to them still.

Kenshin remained bowed for several minutes, wondering what the other man was thinking and hoping his actions were not being misinterpreted.

"This is insane. He will imprison us and we will be executed. You know this as well as I. The legend of the Hitokiri Battousai holds too many people in fear." The Battousai's voice was colder than usual and under it ran a current of barely contained killing rage.

"This is the only way to know for sure that I am not responsible for these deaths," he though to himself.

"But the blood of Dr. Asukara is on our hands."

Kenshin shied away from the Battousai's statement, feeling anger at whoever had taken the doctor's life.

"You know it's true if we had not..."

Kenshin tried to ignore the voice but he knew that Battousai was correct, as he always was. If he had not been there...

Hideki looked out the window and then back to Himura, still deep in thought. Finally, he walked over to the young man and told him to get up. Kenshin looked up and then complied with the man's request, a questioning look in his eyes, although he remained silent.

"If I arrest you, things will not go well for you because of who you are," Kenshin hung his head and let his hair hide his face from view. "You are the infamous Hitokiri Battousai after all and there are still many, even within the government that would like nothing better than to see you executed for these deaths."

Kenshin flinched at the mention of his role during the Bakumatsu and at the thought that there were still some in his own camp that thought he was a threat to them but he stood up straight again, looking at Hideki with fire burning in his eyes.

"I cannot deny what I did back then nor can I deny that I still struggle with the guilt of my actions and with the killer that still lurks within me. This is something that will never change...but I swear to you that I have not taken a life since the day I left Tobu-Fushimi. I deeply regret my actions and live now only to atone for them by protecting the weak and innocent with my sword."

"You can protect the people of this village much more effectively if you remain free. Help me to catch this killer, Himura-san."

Kenshin's eyes widened and he blinked several times. "But..."

"Listen to me, Himura-san. I will make this compromise with you. You can spend your days here, under guard as my guest and in exchange you will help me find this killer during the night when he stalks the streets. Please help us, Himura-san."

Kenshin bowed his head, deep in thought. 'How did one go about catching a killer, anyway?' Finally, after some moments of deliberation, Kenshin looked up at Hideki and nodded. "You know that I have been targeted by this man?"

"I do now but that might be to our advantage. Maybe your presence will be able to draw out the killer so that he can be captured."

"Then I agree to your terms on one condition, that I be allowed to retrieve my sword from the Asukara house."

Hideki nodded. "You are free to return there now but you must return here by nightfall."

*

The sunset stained the sky a deep crimson shot through with orange but Kenshin paid no heed to it, his mind occupied with other thoughts. He had spent the day with Toshihiro, trying to help his friend and giving him instructions. Toshihiro was going to be his eyes for anything unusual during the day, while Kenshin rested from his nightly duties. He would leave this information with an officer at the station so that Kenshin would have it but Toshihiro would not see Kenshin. He wanted no more people to become involved in this because it would put them in danger and he would not have that.

"I must do this alone, Toshihiro. I cannot let you be killed like your father was. From now on this is my fight and no one else's. I promise you that your father will be avenged." Kenshin thought as he made his way back to the station. He placed a hand on the saya of his sakabatou, glad to feel its presence at his side once more. He entered the police station and found Hideki in the same room as before.

"Himura-san, good. Here's what I want you to do. You will search through the village for any sign of the killer. Since you are now his target, he will probably come out of hiding just to strike you down."

"In other words, I'll be the bait." Kenshin's voice took on a hard edge and there was an amber glint in his narrowed eyes. Hideki began to wonder if it was such a good idea to use the former hitokiri after all. Then Kenshin shook his head and motioned for him to continue.

"You may engage him in battle but only if he attacks you or someone else is in danger. But you must not kill him or try to take justice into your own hands. Let the law handle that part."

Kenshin nodded in agreement, although deep within his heart, he wanted to avenge the death of Dr. Asukara with his own hands. The killing rage of the hitokiri was burning inside him again, almost overpowering in its intensity and only the death of this evil man could quell it. His eyes burned amber causing the other man to flinch when they gazed at him. 

"I will do as you say, Yoshikawa-san," he said in a cold, flat voice that was devoid of anything human.

"Good fortune to you and may you catch the killer soon."

"I shall do so." Kenshin left the station and headed out into the shadows of the night in search of the killer.


	9. Chapter Nine

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

A/N: Here is another chapter from me. Please R/R. Thank you all very much. And now on with the story.

Chapter Eight: The Shadow Hunter and the Hunted

"A hitokiri is only that until he dies...he can never be anything else."

Udo Ji'ne

RK episode 7

Subtitled

Kenshin had slipped back into that nightmarish existence he had known during the Bakumatsu, where the rule was kill or be killed. For two weeks now he had spent his nights slipping through the shadowed streets of the village, a hitokiri in search of a killer who also searched for him, yet the man refused to surface. He spent his days confined to the police station, sleeping only because he weakened body demanded it, and in trying to figure out his foe's next move. He rarely spoke unless spoken to first and ignored all else but his task. The other men in the station stayed away from him, somehow sensing the danger within the man's small frame even though they had no idea who he was. It was whispered that this man was the infamous Hitokiri Battousai but only a few of the men believed the rumor, after all the red-haired man looked to young and frail to be the legendary hitokiri.

Hideki knew that Himura was in his hitokiri/bodyguard mode, which meant that his world had narrowed to just the task at hand and the steps necessary to achieving his objective. He never spoke to anyone now and he went straight to the room assigned to him after his nightly work was done, always falling into a fitful sleep. Hideki wished there was something he could do but he had seen Himura act thusly during his bodyguard days and knew there was nothing he could do really. He also knew that Himura would not welcome the intrusion into what he considered his battle nor would he welcome the interruption in his concentration.

Kenshin was having flashbacks to the Bakumatsu, his nightly retinue to closely resembling that of his hitokiri days for his liking. He had no clear idea anymore of where he was, what he was doing, what day it was or even of who he was as the veil separating the past and present began to be pushed aside. This scared him because it meant he was falling to far into his past self and that was dangerous to the others around him. His waking and sleeping hours were beginning to blur into one nightmarish existence and the hitokiri's voice grew ever louder and stronger within his mind. His will to resist its urgings was rapidly deteriorating, and his body's strength was giving out as the fever he had suffered earlier began to return. Things around him began to became a surreal blend of past and present as his fever continued to climb.

Both the Battousai and Kenshin were frustrated by their lack of ability to find the killer. Normally, the battle experiences he had been through gave him an extra edge when it came to spotting threats but this time it didn't seem to be working. It was almost as if something was blocking his senses from his target. This, in addition to the violent nightmares he suffered during sleep, was causing the hitokiri's rage to build to new heights within him, only this rage was far colder and more volatile then he remembered it being.

Kenshin felt as if he were being slowly pulled apart by the two parts of himself as they struggled for control. In his heart, he wanted to return to the Hirayoshi farm and remain the peaceful rurouni, but in the darkness, while he patrolled the streets in search of the hitokiri that could not stop killing, his darker side called to him in a silky and seductive voice. Battousai promised him anything of he would just return to his former self and forget this nonsense about not killing. He reminded Kenshin of the power of fear he once held over his enemies and how that fear was what made him the strongest. The cold voice whispered through his mind incessantly, even in his sleep, and, as much as Kenshin tried to push it aside, it was rapidly becoming harder to do so as the weeks passed and as his fever continued to burn.

In order to keep what little sanity he had left, he repeated the vow he had made to Tomoe over and over in his mind, trying to still the dark, cold voice in his soul. He used that vow and the memory of her serene face to guide his weakening will in resisting the hitokiri's call. But even with this aid, he was uncertain how long he could hold out against the madness before it would send him spiraling back into the darkness of spirit, which had been his defense when he was known as the Hitokiri Battousai back in Kyoto.

"I have to stay in control. I cannot allow myself to return to that existence again. My will must be stronger that his."

So he continued to fight this inner battle, alone and in silence, praying that he would find the killer before he lost it and before his body gave out completely.

*

Two more weeks passed and of the killer there still was no sign. Kenshin was slipping ever so slowly back into his other self and now it was becoming apparent that he was losing the battle he had fought for the past year to win. The ray of light that had begun to grow within him was slowly fading, becoming smothered by a darkness of spirit so profound that it was blinding in its intensity. The will of the hitokiri was growing more powerful and his rage was overpowering Kenshin's normally gentler nature. Increasingly, Kenshin was becoming more and more unwilling and unable to put up more than a token resistance against this attack from within. The smell of blood was once more within his nostrils and its taste was on his tongue, even though he had yet to take a life. To late, Kenshin realized the truth. Someone was purposefully calling forth Battousai from deep inside his soul and was, even now, trying to twist that darker part of himself into someone he had not ever been; a killer who found joy in the killing.

This new Hitokiri Battousai he was becoming was far crueler and more ruthless then the original had ever been. His thoughts were more violent and his rage somehow colder then Kenshin's has ever been, even at the height of his existence as a hitokiri. Where the Battousai of the Bakumatsu had killed for a goal and to serve a purpose, this new one saw killing as a path to power and gloried in the deaths he had dealt in the past. This new, darker version of himself found joy in the mere thought of killing while the he had never enjoyed killing to begin with. Someone was trying to use him as a tool for mass destruction and chaos or they simply wanted to destroy him because he was a threat to them in some way.

"Either way, I will die unless I can break free," he thought, even as darker thoughts began to invade his mind.

"We meet again, Battousai," a cold voice said from the shadows of the alleyway Kenshin had just entered.

Battousai's nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed, as he smelled the scent of blood that blanketed the man hidden in the shadows. He looked carefully in the shadows of a nearby building and saw his adversary standing there with his arms folded. He searched his mind for a name to go with the familiar voice and after some moments found it.

"You are Kagarawa Akusura," he said matter-of-factly, his mouth set in a snarl as he remembered the man as the same one who had attacked Katsura on his way to the meeting between Satsuma and Choshu. "You were a hitokiri of some renowned in Kyoto and had claimed to be a samurai from Satsuma. But in reality you were a spy sent by the Bakufu to eliminate key figures within the Ishinshishi."

"Very good, Battousai. You remember me. I had not counted on that but no matter." Akusura laughed as he stepped from the shadows to face him. "But now that you have found me what will you do? Will you turn me in, try to avenge you fallen comrades from the past, or will you join me."

Battousai stared coldly at Akusura and remained silent, wondering what the man was up to.

"This Meiji government is weak and no one understands us anymore. These people who claim to be your friends do not understand you and turn from you when they learn your true identity. You are shunned and reviled because you were a hitokiri."

Battousai could not refute Akusura's claims but he still remained silent, his killing rage burning coldly in his amber eyes.

"Come with me. Together we will rule this land."

Kenshin could feel a part of himself wanting to answer Akusura and he took a step toward the man and then another. Kenshin screamed for Battousai to stop and, from somewhere, the rurouni found the will to resist the man's call.

"Never!" The word was as sharp as the edge of a katana and it cut through the spell Akusura was trying to weave to ensnare Kenshin's hitokiri soul. "They may fail to understand me but you have also failed in that department. Hitokiri Battousai was a ruthless and cold-blooded killer who slew without remorse or regret but Himura Kenshin, who shares this same body and soul, carries regret in his heart for all of my actions, for every death I caused. He is the one who seeks atonement for me, though I deserve only death. I will not allow you to destroy this man or to ruin our one chance for a peaceful life away from past regrets." 

Battousai drew his sakabatou and his voice contained a hint of warmth, while his eyes became a bluish color as he allowed the rurouni to share space with him for a moment. "We challenge you to a contest of strength. If you win, you may kill us but if we win, you will be taken to the police to serve time for your many crimes."

Akusura laughed and looked closely at the blade. "A sakabatou? Come and fight me with your true strength. Flip your blade over."

"I refuse to do so. I will not kill again. I have sworn an oath that means more to me than even my life." The voice that spoke now was still angry but the cold edge to it had vanished, replaced with a tone of bitter sorrow.

Akusura's answer was to charge with a swift slash to the chest, which Kenshin easily avoided. He narrowed his eyes at his attacker and waited to see what the man would do, his sakabatou once more in its saya. They stood thus for some moments, neither one moving an inch or giving any signs away.

"Come," Battousai snarled impatiently, the hitokiri once more having control.

Akusura moved in one fluid motion, so fast that Battousai only barely registered the diagonal slash coming. The man's sword cut through his clothing but failed to find its target. Battousai glared at Akusura, before apparently disappearing from sight. Akusura's eyes darted around the area, hoping to catch a glimpse of him but he found nothing. Battousai stared down at him from the roof a nearby building, hatred and rage burning in his eyes, as he planned his next move. He scanned the area, trying to decide the best method of attack, wanting to end this quickly.

He leapt from the roof high into the air and hovered there for a moment before making his rapid and silent descent, his stance that of the Ryu Tsui Sen. To his great surprise, Akusura blocked it and made an attack of his own. His wakizashi sliced across Battousai's sword hand and his back as the later flipped in midair in an attempt to avoid the cut. Battousai landed in a crouch right in front of Akusura, his eyes glowing with venomous hatred, as his left hand gripped the deep cut on his right. The heady smell of blood was overpowering his reason. It didn't matter that the blood was his own; the only thing that mattered was the smell. 

"You will regret that," he said in his coldest voice, which was now devoid of any other emotion. He got to his feet and took a step forward, death in his gaze and his Ki flaring. "Now you will learn why I was called the strongest and why I was feared by all."

Battousai charged Akusura, his hand on the hilt of his sakabatou, ready to unsheathe it at the last possible second. He aimed for the man's unprotected side, not caring whether the man lived or died and intent on cutting the man in two. The sakabatou connected with his side and Akusura went sprawling several feet from his original position. But, in the process of his attack, Battousai had left himself unguarded and Akusura's katana had cut him deeply across the chest.

He managed to remain standing, although his breath came in heavy gasps and the pain of his wounds was severe.

Battousai walked over to his foe and looked down where he laid, his eyes holding no pity or remorse, just glowing amber rage. He held his sakabatou gripped tightly in his right hand and that hand shook with fury as the urge to kill the man swept over him. The rurouni within fought the urge to slay the man with everything that he was. He would not allow himself to be controlled by that part of himself again. He wanted a chance to start over somewhere and he knew the only way to do that was to stop the hitokiri within him now. Kenshin also knew that, as much as Battousai grumbled about it, even he wanted to start over and make peace with his past.

The struggle between the two parts of himself lasted only few moments and Kenshin lowered his sakabatou, flipping the edged side back to its place. He looked down at Akusura again, pity and sorrow in his violet eyes.

"I have won and now you must come with me quietly to serve your time. That is the only way to atone for the crimes you have committed," he turned his back and began to walk away.

"Never!" Akusura growled and lunged at Kenshin's exposed back.

Kenshin felt the blade pierce him and then slice across his back and side as he pivoted to strike Akusura across the face with his sheathed sakabatou. Both combatants fell to the ground and Kenshin could hear the sounds of police whistles and running feet. 

"Arrest that man. He is the one who had been murdering innocent people."

Kenshin smiled and moaned as his wounds spasm with pain. There was darkness on the edge of his vision and, when the next wave of pain moved over his body, he allowed it to carry him away into that darkness, knowing he had completed his mission and that the people of the village were safe now.


	10. Chapter Ten

Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

A/N: Here is the final chapter of this one. Thanks to everyone who read this and there will be another one very soon. For the moment, I'm going to take a small break to do research for my Kenshin Site: Sakabatou/Zanbatou (http://www.geocities.com/SakabatouZanbatou). If you want to take a look at my site feel free to.  

Chapter Nine: To Journey On

"I am a rurouni and I must be wandering again."

Himura Kenshin

RK episode 31

Subtitled

Kenshin stood on a field that seemed somehow familiar to him. It was empty of anything living except a few young plants, whose leaves moved with a breeze that Kenshin could not feel. He watched them curiously, trying to figure out why they moved when his clothing and hair remained stationary. Suddenly, he felt a presence near him and he turned not surprised to see Tomoe standing there. She was always with him. No matter where he went or what he did, he could feel her next to him as if she had not died. She looked at him and smiled the serene smile he had come to know so briefly during her life. He found himself smiling back and he reached out an arm to enfold her within it. He smelled her white plum scent and he tried to lose himself in it, using it to drive the last trace of blood from his senses. He closed his eyes and pulled her closer, whispering her name. His eyes were full of tears and he let her presence wash over him, cleansing and healing his tattered spirit as it always did.

"Arigato, Koishii," he whispered as he opened his eyes again and looked into her own. "Am I dead?"

"No, the wound you received was not fatal." She looked at him in concern. "You were very lucky husband."

Kenshin hung his head, allowing his hair to hide the pain in his eyes, and then he looked at her again.

"But I have failed to keep him in control...I've failed you and I'm still a danger to others. Maybe it would be better if I was..."

Tomoe's eyes widened and she gave Kenshin a serious look. "No, you must live. You have a duty to this land and to her people. You cannot through that away. The Battousai is a part of you that can never truly be changed for you have spent too many years wearing the mask of the hitokiri for that fact to be changed overnight. This is something that cannot be changed overnight or even in a year's time. However, there is more to you than just Battousai."

"But, I don't want to be that man again. I don't want that part of myself to exist and I never want to return to that madness again." Tears burned a trail down his cheeks, becoming trapped in the scar on his left cheek. "I want a chance to become someone else…to find my true heart. I want a new life without the regret and one that is not overshadowed by my past life. I wanted to share this new era with you, Tomoe."

Tomoe smiled sadly at him and wiped the tears from his eyes and face. "I know that but it was not to be. We were only meant to save each other from ourselves, nothing more. You have to move on from that."

He hung his head again, shaking his head but not saying anything. He heard her kneel in front of him and saw her dark eyes looking deeply into his own.

"You are different from the man I once knew. Back then, in Kyoto, you were cold and seemingly devoid of any human emotion save rage but in Otsu you became noble in my eyes and you never stopped caring for me. You want to atone for everything and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you feel you deserve it. You cannot live like this forever. The past is exactly that and cannot be altered no matter how much we might wish it could be. You want to make everything right but in order to do this you must begin to forgive yourself."

"I cannot, not yet. Not until I have atoned for my wrongs against you and the others. And not until I can control the killer within me."

Tomoe shook her head. "Listen, you will have good days, where the Battousai remains hidden within you, and bad ones, where he will appear because of some threat, but as long as you come back to yourself then you are still the rurouni. At the moment the bad days seem to be overwhelming the good but I can promise you that someday the opposite will be true. Someday this gentle 'mask' you now wear will become more natural to you then the 'mask' of the hitokiri you were forced to wear during the Bakumatsu ever was. This 'mask' is your true self."

"If I could only know that all this will be worthwhile in the end and that there is chance for me to be at peace again, it would make this easier," he said with a bit of rancor in his voice as he looked at her again.

"I cannot say for certain but I know that if you continue to fight with all your will behind it then someday you might be able to find peace again."

Kenshin helped her to rise to her feet and smiled at her, tears still standing in his eyes. She laid a hand on his left cheek and smiled back as she slowly began to fade from his vision.

"I will try to find peace, Tomoe. I promise."

"I love you, Koishii." Her voice faded slowly from his hearing.

"I love you too, Tomoe." He could feel himself waking and could hear the urgent voice of Toshihiro calling his name.

*

Kenshin walked slowly to the window of his room at the Asukara house and slide it open. His body was swathed in bandages and his healing wounds pulled painfully at the movement he made but still he wanted to see the sun's light and breath the fresh air. He sat carefully in the sill and leaned his back against it for support, closing his eyes. He winced slightly as a sharp pain traveled across the wound in his side but he ignored the urge to look at the wound. He felt the wind tugging at his hair and gi. He opened his eyes to see the wind moving through the garden, making the sunlight dance on the waters of the small pond nearby.

He was restless and felt the need to move on again before some new threat materialized or some old foe reappeared from his past but Toshihiro had told him that it would be several months before he could travel again. Kenshin sighed and watched a bird hop across the path in front of him before being startled into flight by something only it saw. He tried to smile at the antics of the bird, which was now screaming at the 'threat', which turned out to be a striped tabby cat, but he could not. Depression had settled over him like a dark cloud ever since he had awakened in this room to find himself still alive.

At first, he had tried not to dwell on the feelings of sadness and regret because he had been too exhausted by the pain of his wounds and the lingering fever to bother with it. But, now that everything was over, he found things he had formerly enjoyed and had found peace of mind in failed to do so anymore. He had said nothing to Toshihiro, fearing the doctor would order him to remain longer. He knew it was wrong to hide this fact from his friend but he felt as if this was too personal a matter to discuss with someone he hardly knew. So he hid his depression behind the good natured and happy mask of the rurouni.

In his heart, though, he was anything but cheerful. He was worried and afraid. The Battousai slept within him again, remaining silent since the battle with Akusura but how long would his silence last? The bloodlust and killing rage of the hitokiri he had been in the past was still with him and it would always be there, like a hidden time bomb. Who knew what would provoke him again? Who knew when the bomb would explode again?

"What if I cannot stop him the next time? What if I hurt or kill someone then? How can I fight a part of myself?" he thought as he watched some more birds fly into the garden to dive at the cat, who slinked away.

He knew that if another threat arose, whether or not it was real or perceived, the Battousai would rush to the fore again with all the fury in him, just as he had recently. Would he be able to contain that rage or was it a hopeless task from the start?"

He continued to sit in the window, deep in thought for the rest of the day and dwelling on the fact that he had almost thrown everything away and had almost killed again. He chose not to see that he had also prevented himself from doing so.

*

Three months had passed since the night in the alley. The air was warm and carried with it the scent of life and hope but Kenshin could not feel hope when everything he had worked so hard for the past year had been taken from him. A breeze blew through the valley, causing the bamboo to rustle faintly and also causing Kenshin's hair and clothing to wipe about his small frame. He could feel the sun warming his back as he made his way up the path that lead away from the village. He had left the Hiroyoshi farm early that morning, wanting to put as much distance between it and him as possible, not wanting to pose a threat to the family that had sheltered him these few months. They had thanked him for his help and had given him gifts of new clothing and food for his journey. He had thanked them politely before moving on but, on his way out of the village, he could not resist the urge to speak to Toshihiro one last time before he left the area for good. Toshihiro had been as cheerful as ever and thanked him for the fact that his clinic was flourishing due to his ability to heal Kenshin's almost fatal fever. The mayor of the village, an excitable older man by the name of Shitomori Takara, had tried to reward Kenshin for his part in the capture of the rogue hitokiri as had Hideki, but Kenshin had humbly declined, feeling as if he didn't deserve such honors.

He paused at the crest of the hill and looked down at the quiet village below him and smiled. He had learned a lot about himself that he would never allow himself to forget and most of what he had learned did not make him happy. The time had come for him to move on. He could not afford to stay anywhere for too long. There were still those that hunted him and because of that he knew he had to keep moving if he wanted to stay one step ahead of his foes.  


End file.
